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Six objects men pick up and pretend are a gun

‘YOU talkin’ to me?’ men say into mirrors while holding a cordless drill, or any of these vaguely gun-shaped objects:

A banana

Spotting a banana in a fruit bowl, a man hears the imaginary sound of two masked intruders kicking the kitchen door in. Wheeling and grabbing the banana in an instant, he fires a fusillade of shots from his deadly musa acuminita while diving behind the fridge. Both die instantly.

A cordless vacuum

This futuristic plasma weapon is perfect for combatting ghosts, aliens or mere invaders beaming in from an alternative future. Can be fired either one-handed or, using the extended barrel, to deliver a superheated stream of molten death straight from the hip.

A hairdryer

‘Maybe not, motherf**ker,’ men casually say while raising the hairdryer from its concealed position beneath the dressing table. ‘Say hello to my little friend. Now, give me one reason to let you live. Uh? Not good enough,’ before triggering maximum heat and flow. Boom.

A weed puller

This dandelion-removing tool not only has the right long-barrelled shape but requires a shotgun-racking moment to dispose of the weed into the correct recycling bin. It looks like he’s doing the garden: actually he’s Arnie in Terminator 2, blowing holes in the T-1000. The part of John Connor is played by a rosebush.

An upholstery stapler

Not shaped like any weapon used by conventional police forces but has a trigger and actually fires something, delivering a satisfying kickback. Furniture restorers must enjoy cloudless psychological health after double-tapping all their enemies in the back of the head hundreds of times a day.

A massage gun

This girlfriend’s birthday present even has gun in the name, so what choice does a man have but to pose in the mirror with it before dropping to one knee and taking out an entire squad of Navy SEALs with precisely aimed centre-mass single shots? Before massaging said girlfriend’s back in the vain hope of a shag?

Thumb, egg, f**king nutter: What will you look like bald?

THE chances are that male pattern baldness is coming for you and the results vary wildly. Where on the spectrum will you end up?

Thumb

If you’re a bit chubby, have no facial hair and go bald, the sad truth is that you’ll end up looking like a walking, talking thumb. All you can do is avoid wearing turtleneck jumpers while you attempt to lose weight and gain a bit of definition on that jawline, which will help you graduate to an egg. Speaking of which…

Egg

Pale and round, like a golf ball sitting on a tee, eggs are thumbs-in-waiting that are still managing to cling onto a shred of self-respect despite the fact that they no longer have a lustrous head of hair. Their role model is Masterchef’s Gregg Wallace, or ‘King Egg’ as he is known in the slaphead community.

Bearded

After years of struggling with baldness, you eventually decide it’s time to stop fannying around trying to hide it and just shave it all off. To compensate for this perceived loss of masculinity you grow an uber-macho, yet paradoxically femininely neat, beard. Andrew Tate is your hero, even though he’s a massive prick.

F**king nutter

You could be a softly spoken, beta male librarian with a Renault Megane and a fear of confrontation, but the minute you’ve embraced your baldness and asked for a number one all over you instantly transform into ‘terrifyingly violent Millwall fan’. People cross the road to avoid you, which you actually enjoy because you’re terribly shy and introverted.

Bona fide sex god

Some blokes can pull off baldness and it makes women weak at the knees: just look at how funny they go over Stanley Tucci. However, given that you aren’t blessed with perfectly symmetrical features and natural suavity, you’re more likely to look like a misshapen swede that’s fallen off the back of a lorry.

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