YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.
Urgh
Sleep used to make you feel refreshed, but after you hit 45 you wake up every day feeling like you’ve got a moderate hangover, without the pleasure of drinking the night before. As you work up the will to lever yourself out of bed you fantasise briefly about having one of those old people beds that does the hard work for you.
Tssch
Your kids are making you watch K-pop videos on YouTube again. Ghastly manufactured music with garish videos, stupid clothes and twee lyrics about love or inner strength or something. Not like the good old days of authentic, thought-provoking music like the Spice Girls.
Wheeze
Despite making the same resolution every new year since 2013, you have not managed to get fit. Your knees start hurting if you break into so much as a light trot and your chest feels funny every time you walk up an incline. This year is definitely the year though, you tell yourself as you sit down to catch your breath and open another Crunchie.
Parp
You never thought you’d be someone who couldn’t control your bottom, and yet here you are involuntarily letting one rip in the cheese aisle at Sainsbury’s. You still haven’t reached the age where you couldn’t give a f**k though, so you sidle away giving the person browsing next to you a disgusted glance as if they are the culprit.
F**king hell, what now?
As a middle aged person, you are at the constant beck and call of not only your kids, but also your elderly parents. You can’t sit down for five minutes without someone ringing up asking for a lift back from a party or wanting you to come over and rescue their false teeth from the waste disposal unit. All you can do is swear angrily, and then obey.
