SUMMER is here, shoes are unwearably hot and you’re searching for other options. Treat your repugnant feet to these:
Sandals
Willing to lacerate the very feet you walk upon? Slip on a pair of lovely strappy sandals. Every step is a double-edged blister generator and your toes will soon be as red as your nail varnish. For extra discomfort, simply add a heel.
Canvas trainers
Your feet will thank you for your comfy choice, as will your fungal infections which will thrive in the sweaty microclimate you’re creating. To more swiftly turn them into a bioweapon omit socks; within a fortnight the smell will be so bad you’ll have to keep them in the garden at night.
Flip-flops
Like to clippity-clop down the street like a horse, taking your yellow toenails on a cavalry parade? Then why not wear flip-flops? In your head you’re on a white sand beach, while everyone around you will also fantasise about their happy place to block out your blackened, peeling feet like those of a city pigeon.
Loafers
They already make you look like a twat in the winter months, so in summer up the posh-dickwad factor tenfold by wearing them without socks. A footwear option which hints you own a boat or at the very least a Brompton.
Espadrille wedges
Summer classics with rope-covered heels look so much fun! Until you’ve walked four paces in them and realise it’d be easier to join the circus and walk around on actual stilts. The closed-toe variants will spare you taming your buzzard’s talons.
Massive black leather boots
You’ve worn chunky, lace-up, Dr. Martens every single day of the year, so why feel obliged to change just because the season has? By mid-afternoon you’ll be squelching around in two mini-mangrove swamps and sweat will squirt from the eighteen holes with each step. But what a relief they’ll be to take off.
