YOUR kids love copying you, so why not weaponise their naive enthusiasm into useful child labour by making these chores seem fun?
Washing the car
What better memories can you make with your child than spending time outdoors, bonding while you complete a task? They’ll only realise when they’re much older that you had no interest in hearing them prattle on about Fortnite, and just needed their small hands to scrub bird shit from some difficult-to-reach crevices in your Audi’s alloy wheels.
Weeding the garden
Playing in the garden is one of your kid’s favourite ways to spend the day. So, with just a little coercion and psychological manipulation, you can easily make them think that pulling weeds from between the patio stones is a really fun outdoor game. Once they’re into it, you can quietly slink away and make yourself a G&T.
Going for an MOT
Due to their undeveloped brain’s inability to form cynical thoughts, children love adventures to any new location, even if it’s an industrial estate on the outskirts of town. They’ll be enthralled by some old wasteland while you sit in the garage’s scruffy waiting room and gaze dreamily at the tits on the traditionally sexist wall calendar.
Washing-up
‘It’s like a bubble bath but for plates!’ you yell enthusiastically. Hopefully your eight-year-old buys your bullshit, gets through some of the washing-up and exhausts themselves so much dealing with stubborn porridge stains they fall asleep quickly, leaving you with a nice, quiet evening to yourself.
Doing the weekly shop
To a child, supermarkets are like Disneyland. While they are in a state of wonder staring at all of the delicious chocolates and crisps you’re definitely not going to buy them, you’re having a quiet nervous breakdown over the latest price hikes. At least they will stop banging on about Lego for a few minutes.
Peeling vegetables
Children love emulating adult behaviours, and especially ones that involve a tool they can pretend is a knife. So why not hand them a safety peeler and let them loose on a sack of potatoes? They’ll learn a useful life skill and they won’t realise for years that they’d been tricked into slave labour when they could have been watching telly.
