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Man's forehead simply growing

A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day. 

Apparent changes in the hairline of 38-year-old Martin Bishop were spotted by his wife Kelly, who cruelly claimed it was something most men go through and heartlessly added she did not love him any less.

Bishop clarified: “Medical research is chronically underfunded when it comes to men’s health. The doctors are yet to consider the obvious: that my head is simply swelling with the weight of knowledge.

“I’m not an idiot, I know my hair doesn’t look the same as it was when I was 21, and male pattern baldness is common and normal nowadays for men that are, you know, normal or common.

“But I’m not like them, and when you consider the sheer number of documentaries on World War Two I watch and the number of Nazis I can confidently name, that information has to go somewhere. My brain’s swelling and my skull’s obligingly accommodating it.

“Hair thinning? My hair is as thick as it always was and not something that’s ever even crossed my mind. Just look at the photos of the back of my head I’ve been taking every morning.

“The swelling should reduce as my brain re-acclimatises to its new heightened power. I’ll be back to normal in a few months, after my restorative break in Turkey.”

How to run your Dungeons & Dragons fairy porn campaign

ARE you playing dungeon master for busy working mums who just want to escape from it all and shag a centaur? Include these key points: 

Repurposed fairytale characters

Mothers sick of reading Red Riding Hood or Rapunzel to their kids often pass the bored-shitless hours by imagining themselves as that character, with bigger boobs, riding Prince Charming until it’s his turn to be comatose for a century. Let them create a character who’s essentially Snow White in stockings and heels, it’s what they want.

Elf-on-elf action

Elves are too haughty, too ethereal, too pointy of ear to dally with ordinary humans. But their towering self-love can be directed at another elf, and tired women cannot imagine anything better than sex they don’t have to actively partake in. Get a couple of elves to make out in an enchanted glade while they watch.

Dwarf humiliation

Dwarves – bearded, always in the shed making stuff, inexplicably angry – are surrogate husbands in the fantasy realm and everything women want to get away from. Your role is to play into this. Any dwarf characters should be unable to read maps, lose fights when the axes they’re so proud of break and be forced to go into battle wearing naught but leather chaps.

Unicorn stuff

A gleaming, iridescent white unicorn, glimpsed through branches? Promising an equine climax both erotic and unattainable? Make chasing a unicorn the focus of your campaign without ever letting your players reach it. This is called edging.

Sex dungeons

The traditional dungeon makes no sense. Why would caves underground be well-stocked with roaming orcs, provisions and treasure? You don’t get that at Wookey Hole. Instead, fill your dungeon with bondage racks, dominatricies, strutting warlocks and sultry lamia. Roll 17 or above to orgasm, unless you have a +5 Strap-On of Stimulation.

Fairy orgies

Finally, stage a huge fairy orgy ruled over by Titania and Oberon with thousands of the little buggers going at it everywhere you look. Flitting through the air legs akimbo, pursued by hunky male fairies with otherworldly priapism. Try to make it sound less like that day when all the ants f**k by using adjectives.

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