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Man persuades himself that Easter sex is a thing

A MAN has successfully convinced himself that Easter sex is both traditional and deserved, and has set out to get some.

Ryan Whittaker, aged 34, came to the conclusion by comparing Easter to other holidays, adding the differential of a four-day weekend, and multiplying by his own horniness.

He explained: “Look at the facts. You’re giving chocolate as a gift? When else do you give chocolate as a gift? Valentine’s Day, which is a guaranteed score.

“It’s all themed around bunnies and spring. What do bunnies do in spring? They f**k. What else is themed around bunnies? The Playboy Mansion.

“There’s four full days off, and it’s not Christmas so there’s no obligation to see family and shit. That surely is only there to maximise the scoring opportunities for the single man, or woman, who’s open to committing to a three-night stand.

“The conclusion? I am suiting up and hitting the bars and getting myself some Easter sex. If the ladies haven’t heard of it, I’ll simply explain my flawless logic.”

Whittaker is next expected to work himself up at the beginning of May when he develops the concept of Coronation sex.

Bellend, and five other swear words that should get heritage status

SOME swear words are superior to others and should be protected at all costs for future generations to enjoy. Like these:

Bellend

Sophisticated, elegant and uniquely British, this is the Rolls-Royce of swearing, a design classic that never goes out of fashion. There should be a plinth in the Victoria & Albert Museum that simply reads: Bellend.

Twat

One syllable, four letters: this is efficient swearing that sounds excellent when bellowed loudly. Originally slang for genitalia, it now means ‘person who cut you up in the Asda car park’. Americans take note – it’s not ‘twot’, it’s twat.

Slag

You can shout it when you stub your toe, you can shout it when your best mate shags your boyfriend or you can shout it at a football player who’s missed a penalty. It’s pretty offensive and yet regularly used on EastEnders, making it as much of a national treasure as Barbara Windsor.

Wanker

The only swear word with its own action, wanker is as British as a cup of tea and a market stall selling disposable lighters. We will fight them on the beaches to preserve this one, or at least write it in permanent marker on the back of a bus seat.

Arsehole

Three key things separate us from the Americans: healthcare, gun control and the way we pronounce arsehole. Pleasingly rhotic and wonderfully descriptive, let’s stick a blue plaque on it before it’s lost to the creeping lingua franca of YouTube. Get the one off Shakespeare’s gaff if needs be, it’s the type of word he would have appreciated.

Berk

The sort of epithet you can say in polite company, berk is coy and offensive at the same time. It is actually short for Berkshire Hunt and therefore rhyming slang for a very offensive word, but don’t tell your granny or she might have a heart attack.

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