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iPods, and other things teens depressingly think are 'vintage'

TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.

iPods

Teens have already gone through records, tapes and CDs on the list of obsolete music technology pawned off on them at extortionate prices. These are next, so you can have the strange experience of a 13-year-old telling you Nirvana just sounds better on a lime green iPod Shuffle.

Paperbacks

After Kindles and audiobooks, hip teens have gone full circle and are reading paperbacks again. However only the most dog-eared, hard-slog Penguin Classics from a second-hand shop will suffice. Your manky WHSmith John Grishams absolutely will not make the cut.

Tamagotchi

Today’s teens don’t understand how kids of the 90s and 00s had to fight their parents tooth and nail to own, and then keep alive, this shitty little digital pet. Instead they wave Tamagotchis around as if they’re some sort of novelty item. Unbelievable. 

YouTube

In the age of apps and algorithms that feed you videos automatically, it’s very old-school to type out the video title you want on this weird old website called YouTube. A teen will introduce you to ‘Charlie bit my finger’, believing everyone in the world loved this absolute classic of virals in the olden days, and weren’t, like you, just muttering ‘Oh f**k off’.

Breaking Bad

Remember last week, when Breaking Bad was the brand-new hit show everyone was talking about? Well it turns out ‘last week’ was actually 14 years ago, and you’re still only halfway through watching it, while your son is dressing up as Walter White for a ‘throwback’ party.

You

In the eyes of Gen Z, it’s a medical miracle that they are alive at the same time as old-timers from mystical bygone eras like the 1990s. Don’t be fooled, though – just because they think shit from when you were young is cool does not mean they think you personally are cool in any way.

Five people you're going to give a piece of your mind to but never do

BEEN let down? Messed about? Want to give someone an almighty bollocking? Here are five culprits you’re almost brave enough to have a go at.

The delivery driver

Had another package lost, drop-kicked into your garden or left with a shitty neighbour? The delivery guy may as well just burn it on your porch while laughing at you. But instead of tearing a strip off him, like you told your partner you would, you meekly say ‘Thanks, mate’ when your next damaged Amazon purchase arrives. 

The noisy neighbour

It’s a scientific fact that people with shit taste in music play it loudest. So after another night where their bass makes your home feel like a nightclub toilet, you resolve to act. You’ll kick in their front door and unleash a verbal shitstorm which will force them to totally re-evaluate their life choices. Or you’ll put your head under the pillow and tell your partner ‘It’ll probably stop in a minute’.

The waiter

Certain establishments think it’s normal for every Tripadvisor review to be terrible, and waiters act accordingly. Waited 45 minutes to order? Been sent the wrong food? Confrontation isn’t your thing so even if the waiter stabs you through the hand with a steak knife you’ll still compliment the food and give them a little thumbs-up. Tuck into your nice cold burger, you worm.

Your dad

Ageing parents are a frustrating species. For people who had jobs, raised kids and taught you countless skills, their lack of understanding is bewildering. With their strange habits, friction with your partner and general timewasting – fancy explaining how Sky+ works for the 800,000th time? – sometimes they need a good shake. Instead you promise to ‘have a serious word’ next time you see them. Then you don’t. They wouldn’t hear most of it anyway. Also: childcare.

Your kid’s teacher

Your child’s teacher shouted at her again. It was all very unfair, confirms your totally-unbiased spawn. But by the time parents’ evening rolls around, you’ve remembered the school takes them off your hands for most of the week. Teachers can do what they like so long as they don’t lose them on a field trip. Even then they’ll probably find their way home when they’re hungry.

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