subscribe
/ Sign Out

I'd like you all to f**k off, says dad when asked what he wants for Father's day

A FATHER of young children has said what he would really like for Father’s Day is some f**king peace in an empty house.

Martin Bishop made the unusual gift request after a week of finishing work and arriving home to children dicking about and crying hysterically over spilt Ribena while his wife blames him for his 90-minute commute. 

Father-of-three Bishop said: “My ideal present would be for you to f**k off and leave me alone. Not forever. A day, perhaps. Although three weeks would be nice.

“I fantasise about how it would play out. Maybe my wife Emma gets a flat tyre while driving back from the park, and then they all have to camp by the side of the road for a few days. It’s not like the fantasies I used to have about Emma, but if I don’t get some peace I may go mad.

“Obviously I relish our family time – it’s adorable being unable to get to the kettle without impaling my feet on Lego while someone phones me about a purchase order.

“So this Father’s Day, instead of a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug, maybe they can all just piss off and stand in a field or something for 72 hours? That would really prove what a wonderful family I’ve got.”

Who are you f**king furious at online today?

BRITAIN could have spent 12 weeks of lockdown learning the piano, reading Ulysses or helping others, but instead we’re being bloody angry online. Who’s getting it today? 

JK Rowling

The much-loved children’s author gets way too much money for wizards-and-daft-monsters stories any of us could have come up with, probably, and is always having online rows. One day she’ll just buy Twitter but until then join in with the latest barney. 

People going out

The purity of this one’s been sullied by the fact they’re legally allowed out now, but it’s still good for the blood pressure to think of an activity you personally disapprove of, look for photos of crowds of people doing it, then get good and bloody mad. 

People staying in

You know what else could really boil your piss, if you’re at a loose end? People staying in and undermining the government’s valiant efforts to save the economy. Lazy f**king furloughed theatrical lighting riggers should work from home like you’re pretending to. 

VAR

Being so angry about VAR you can only point a trembling finger of fury at the TV is like settling into a nice warm bath of outrage. Remember how spitting mad you used to get down the pub with your mates after watching the big game on Sky Sports? Ah, livid times.  

Piers Morgan

He used to be the bête noire of the left, now he’s a hate figure to the right, but really it doesn’t matter what he says or where he stands. Piers Morgan exists to be loathed and shouted at. It makes you feel better and it makes him stronger. 

Someone basically on your side you have a slight disagreement with

There’s no point wasting your fury on the bad guys. Everyone hates them and they won’t even notice. Instead, find someone you largely agree with on something, be it kitesurfing or TV comedy, find a minor bone of contention and argue until you’re both ready to kill. What a wonderful invention the internet is. 

 

Next story ›