STRUGGLING to chime in at the pub due to your terrible social skills? Make it through to last orders in one piece with this guide.
Laugh when everyone else does
Slapping your knee and guffawing when everyone else laughs will give you a taste of the human interaction you so desperately crave. So what if you didn’t actually hear what your mates were chuckling about and you just tacitly endorsed a deeply problematic joke? For a few fleeting seconds you were sort of part of the group, and you can live off that high for at least an hour.
Offer to get a round in
You’ll have to pluck up all your courage and speak in the loudest timid whisper you’re capable of, but the rewards will be worth it. All of your buddies will excitedly spin round in their seats and start shouting out what they’re having, before promptly turning their backs on you and whispering things like ‘Shit, how long have they been there?’ and ‘What’s his name again?’ to each other.
Pop to the bathroom
Trying to penetrate the outer boundaries of a pub chat can be exhausting, so treat yourself to a well-earned break by heading to the toilet. If you’re a man, you’ll be freed from the pressure of having to think of witticisms even if the urinals are crowded, as society dictates you piss in silence. If you’re a woman though, the group of friends in attendance may just shun you in a new location.
Get your phone out
In the unlikely event that your friends notice your existence this may look rude, so if anyone asks just pretend that you’re looking up bus times. In reality though you’re having a truly great time scrolling through pictures of the night out you’re currently not partaking in. If you look very closely you can just about see yourself in the background. You aren’t tagged.
Don’t sneak off home
Sure, you could effortlessly slip off home, but what if someone sees you as you get up to leave? You’ll have to think of a convincing excuse as to why you’re ducking out, and people are bound to start ripping the piss out of you. No, you’re better off hunkering down and blending into the furniture until a more popular friend calls it a night.
