FAN of a Premier League giant? If so then you need to be very annoying about it in these specific ways.
Bang on about your ‘history’
Your team has some old silverware in a trophy cabinet which means they have a right to be successful now. That’s how sport works. Just never let on that you’ve watched some of those famous triumphs from the 70s on YouTube and were bored to tears by the shocking standard of football on display.
Be completely biased
Your team is simply too good to lose. Could a club with Salah or Foden or Pogba or Kane get beaten fairly? Not likely. On the rare occasion you don’t win, blame the opposition’s negative tactics, the ref, VAR or all three. If you’ve clearly been outplayed, just bore on about ‘expected goals’ or ‘transfer net spend’ until whoever you’re talking to wanders off.
Don’t really go to games
It’s hard to attend Man Utd games from your home in Surrey. So when you do go, document every single moment for posterity. Arrive at the ground three hours before kick off and take photos of every aisle in the club shop, the turnstiles, your poor view of the pitch, and even the limp £10 hot dog you bought in the stand.
Slag off your latest big money signing
Whether owned by loveable Russian oligarchs or loveable Sheikhs from questionable regimes, it’s likely your team have a few quid to spend. Just ignore the complaints of smaller clubs about this clear financial doping. It’s not your fault Bury or Macclesfield are skint, and at least they don’t have to watch a striker who cost £80 million struggle to score.
Glorify your former managers
If your team is having a bad season by finishing third instead of top, you can always luxuriate in the past. Arsenal have Arsene Wenger, who revolutionised the modern game by suggesting his squad don’t get pissed all the time. Man Utd have Fergie’s reign of terror and the success that brought. Even Chelsea have Mourinho. The first stint obviously. Not when he went mad and got sacked.
