THE line between being a noble working-class grafter and a footsoldier for right-wing extremism is a thin one. Which side of it are you on?
Do you work hard?
A) I think so. As a self-employed plumber I’ve normally got a busy day checking boilers, replacing pipework and so on.
B) Like a Japanese POW, mate. I’m out in the van first thing intimidating other road users. Then I’ve got to read the headlines in the Sun and have a fag to calm down. After that it’s a hard day haggling over cash-in-hand and mysteriously disappearing to ‘the yard’ for hours.
What did you do for Poppy Day?
A) I’ve got a poppy for me and one for the van. I observed the silence.
B) Covered my Transit in massive stickers of poppies and silhouettes of British soldiers at the Somme, with ‘Lest we forget’ in Gothic letters, not that there’s any f**king danger of that if I’m around.
How would you describe your political views?
A) Pretty moderate.
B) I want us on a war footing with the EU like we voted for, and scroungers and lefties should be interned. Solve the immigration problem with machine gun nests and mines on all our beaches. So pretty moderate.
Would you describe yourself as a family man?
A) I have a family, so yes.
B) Too bloody right I am. And if a nonce ever threatened my little ones I wouldn’t be held responsible. The thought tortures me, night and day. I’ve written a letter to Jacob Rees-Mogg.
How do you feel about environmental protests?
A) Sympathetic to the cause but they’re helping nobody blocking roads.
B) I’m putting razor-sharp bumpers and spiked tyres on the van this weekend. And a flamethrower. They haven’t reached Loughborough yet but they’re coming.
ANSWERS
MOSTLY As: You seem like a decent, hardworking person. Try being permanently outraged about it as if only you have a job and everyone else is on the fiddle.
MOSTLY Bs: You’ve somehow confused having a job and a family with being a borderline fascist. But don’t worry, it’s normal at the moment.
