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Five unresolved psychological issues of SUV drivers and how they manifest

DRIVERS of unnecessarily large cars are all hiding crippling insecurity and self-loathing. But what precise flavour of trauma does their dickish behaviour mask? 

Being a bellend on the school run: Not getting enough attention as a child

Not enough hugs as a child? Daddy always working? SUV drivers erase the hurt by parking on yellow lines, blocking drives or stopping on the zigzags near schools. This gets them lots of attention from lots of parents, allowing them to feel like a special little soldier for the rest of the morning. Even if that soldier is someone people want to murder.

Needing a giant car: Abandonment issues

SUV drivers are insecure and therefore need to constantly be at the forefront of everyone’s mind, which is why they bought a car that looks like a military vehicle for driving to Tesco in Windsor. A particularly deep-seated fear of abandonment can lead to adding extra features such as alloy wheels, a cream leather interior or, in very serious cases, bull bars.

Parking across two spaces: Inability to commit

Psychological problems with being tied down manifest in SUV drivers not being able to choose which parking space to use, and deciding to park across two instead. It’s either that, or the fact that the tiny car park round the back of the local shop was not designed for a vehicle better suited to off-roading in the Sahara.

Not saying thank you: Pathological demand avoidance

Don’t like thanking other drivers? In a big car, it’s not necessary. Anyone getting upset with their lack of courtesy can simply be reversed into or watch helplessly as a sweeping three-point turn demolishes their garden wall. SUV drivers can’t be expected to notice anything below 1.5m high, whether structural or human.

Having more than one SUV: Low self-esteem

If one Range Rover isn’t enough to make them feel like a worthy human being, they’ll simply get another. Then they’ll tarmac over their front lawn so they have somewhere to park their fleet of horrible cars. At this point their partner will get sick of them and leave, crushing them to such an extent that they end up buying a monster truck to try and fill the gaping void in their soul.

Six places not to arrive at pissed

DRINKING heavily, if you’re British, is not so much a vice as an expectation. Nonetheless there are certain locations it’s a mistake to arrive at already pissed:

The hire car desk

There’s a lot of waiting around and paperwork to get a hire car, so understandably it’s an advantage to be smashed up until the bit when you have to drive an unfamiliar car away. No matter how many of their special protection schemes you sign up to with a drunken flourish, staff will still have reservations.

Buckingham Palace for an investiture

The King has never met a drunk person with a worth of less than £100m, apart from our last-but-one prime minister. He has no idea it is allowed. You thundering in from the Bag O’ Nails bringing your six new best mates will meet armed resistance.

Dubai

You can’t arrive pissed in Dubai, though you’d need to be shitfaced to want to go to f**king Dubai. You can get rat-arsed in private, which is how Brits working here survive, but walking through the airport arms aloft wearing a Chelsea away shirt with a can in each hand? No.

The Northumberland coast to see a rare grey-headed lapwing

A bird which normally summers in Japan is here and hundreds of twitchers are silently waiting for it to emerge as you pay off your Uber driver, slap his roof with an intoxicated ‘Oy oy!’ and turn to them asking: ’Where’s this f**king bird then?’

Dublin

If you arrive in Dublin swaying on the travelator, your next memory of Dublin will be swaying on the travelator facing the other way as your plane is called.

An intervention

When confronting a friend, family member or lover about their excessive use of addictive substances, it’s plain tactless to have a few sharpeners first. And also to drink throughout it saying, ‘You want to stick to the booze, mate. Oh, it is the booze? Sorry I thought it was coke.’

The Svalbard Global Seed Vault

Based inside a mountain on an island in a remote Arctic archipelago, this vault stores seeds at -18ºC. What are you even thinking, rocking up there 12 pre-mixed Pornstars to the good? How did you even get there? Why in f**k are you tapping at the window trying to order a kebab?

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