YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it:
It’s bloody freezing
You’re snuggled up under a soft, 12-tog duvet while your house is so cold it could preserve meats. Trying to leave the bed would be like going from a sauna to an icy plunge pool and could stop your heart instantly. Turning off snooze is just your natural survival instincts from palaeolithic times.
You’d have to get dressed
Dragging yourself into a standing position is only the first painful step. There’s so much that’s worse that comes after. Dousing yourself in water, working yourself dry, yanking fabric over your limbs, ramming burnt toast into your mouth while searching for keys. It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to do that, and you’re prepared to argue your case.
Nobody would mind
Seriously, if you didn’t, who would care? We all stayed home during the pandemic and the world kept turning. Your colleagues would happily skip a day of your bullshit, your partner doesn’t want to see your scowling face, your kids would give not a shit if told to get their own breakfast and forget school. You’d be doing it for them. You’re an altruist.
Nothing beats bed
Bed is the superhero of places to be. You can wank, doze, fart at will, eat cereal, watch Gogglebox, imagine yourself being on Gogglebox while watching Gogglebox, wank again. Where else can you shift so comfortably between these stellar activities? What is there out there that’s better?
You hate your life
Stop and think for a moment. What are you actually getting up for? An average day is full of shitty things like tangled headphones and decisions about what to have for lunch. Rolling over and drifting back to sleep is loving yourself and putting yourself first, like Adele and Meghan Markle say you should. F**k the alarm. You’re staying in bed.
