Five futile things twats do when they're stuck in traffic

30th November 2023

IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.

Rev the engine

Surely the densely packed stream of traffic blocking your progress will miraculously disperse when they hear your engine revving? Particularly if it’s in sync with the throbbing of the vein on your temple? Try jerking your car forward a few centimetres then braking sharply to add a comical visual element to your futile actions. Other less intolerant drivers and onlookers will be fascinated by your behaviour.

Have a shout

Having a rant inside the car is all well and good, but it won’t solve jack shit. However that all changes if you lean out of the window and tell stationary traffic to f**king move. It’s important to use every profanity available and wave an arm to indicate the direction for the gridlocked traffic to go in. Do this and soon you’ll be cruising along empty scenic highways like you’re in a car advert.

Flash your lights and honk the horn

If possible, accompany the kangarooing of your car by flashing the headlights and honking the horn. If you’re able to do so, headbutt the horn button. This will prove to people in nearby cars you are serious about getting this traffic moving. You definitely won’t see whole families watching you eagerly as mum and dad shake their heads and they all have a good belly laugh.

Get out with purpose

The last gasp of a driver drowning in a sea of vehicular irritation is to fix the problem themself. Get out of your car and stride purposefully towards the cause of the hold-up, so that if the traffic begins to move you have to race back to your car in a panic. If it’s an accident, tell the emergency services to just shunt the wreckage/bodies into a ditch. But you won’t be brave enough to do that outside the fortress-cocoon of your car. Instead stand with one hand on the door, one on the roof and a foot on the sill, scowling and thinking you look f**king boss.

Complain

The traffic’s going nowhere. Apps suggest you’re going to be there a while. Now might be a good time to complete unfinished work or do a Wordle, maybe? No. Complain. Phone the local council. Some call centre operative will definitely rush over and get the traffic moving. Actually go straight to the top and email the Highways Agency and cc Rishi Sunak in. But of course what you really need to do is phone your partner and read out your scathing email with all the venom you can muster. Become so engrossed you don’t notice the traffic is moving again until 30 people are beeping their horns and screaming ‘F**king move!’ behind you.

Shit songs you couldn't be arsed to fast-forward on Now That's What I Call Music!

30th November 2023

IT’S the 40th anniversary of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations. Here are some tracks you’ll never forget, much as you’d like to, because fast-forwarding them was such a pain in the arse.

Red Guitar – David Sylvian

You wondered for years who David Sylvian was. Red Guitar was on NTWICM 3, but that was all you knew about him, like a character in a spy thriller who’s deleted every trace of his past identity. Actually he was the lead singer of long-forgotten new romantic band Japan, and these days is some sort of artist in the States. That information probably wasn’t worth waiting 37 years for.

Dance Me Up – Gary Glitter

It’s unlikely you remember this because DJs are strangely reluctant to play Paul Gadd golden oldies these days. It’s actually quite tuneful, if you like holiday camp-friendly singalong glam-influenced pop. Don’t watch the video though, because Gary donning a tutu to lark about with young ballerinas makes you feel you should call 999.

Only You – The Flying Pickets

NTWICM 2 was a f**king feast of 80s pop: Duran Duran, Nena, Frankie, Thomas Dolby, Cyndi Lauper. Then you got this, a bad a cappella version of the much better Yazoo hit. The singers making ‘bom’ noises is difficult to listen to without laughing. Despite this the media loved it purely for the novelty value and it went to number one, in a weird portent of Susan Boyle.

The Word Girl – Scritti Politti

After punk beginnings, Scritti Politti perfected a brand of sickly reggae-tinged pop with girly vocals. It wasn’t really worth fast-forwarding on NTWICM 5 because the next track was Axel F, mercifully free of the Crazy Frog back then.

China in Your Hand – T’Pau

Due to its massive – some would say ‘sadistic’ – airplay, this naff pop-rock classic was burnt into your brain like a brand. Then you had to listen to it again on NTWICM 10 or face the Herculean task of walking over to your tape deck. There’s only one way you’ll ever forget the words ‘It was a theme she had/ On a scheme he had/ Told in a foreign land…’ and that is the complete annihilation of your brain.

Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell

Were they? Most people had no idea who you were, Rockwell. And who you are is the son of Motown founder Berry Gordy. So while he may not have contributed much to the world of music, in 1984 Rockwell was way ahead of the curve when it came to being a nepo-baby.

The War Song – Culture Club

Live by the compilation, die by the compilation, as they say. You may have been looking forward to Pride by U2, but first you had to listen to this irritating hit with the infamous lyrics ‘War is stupid and people are stupid’. Later on you got Status Quo’s The Wanderer and Gotta Get You Home Tonight by Eugene Wilde to reinforce the arbitrary cruelty of music compilations.

Madam Butterfly – Malcolm McClaren

It’s safe to say this charted solely because it was by Malcolm McClaren. Pretentious as ever, Malcolm decided the world desperately needed electronic opera with spoken bits. No one listened to it, not 12-year-olds like you, not opera buffs, not diehard punks. There are more worthwhile things to do with your time, like sniffing glue.

Sonic Boom Boy – Westworld

Irritating rockabilly revival-type thing that illustrates a grave danger of NTWICM compilations – some of them were f**king random. Don’t like Westworld? How about shit Swedish euro-rock The Final Countdown? Reet Petite? Freddie Mercury’s version of The Great Pretender? If you enjoyed all of those you don’t so much have catholic tastes, more a love of random sounds. Presumably a glass smashing or a hairdryer are just as tuneful to you.

Born to Be Sold – Transvision Vamp

NTWICM 16 was the last of the 80s compilations and times had changed, resulting in a weird mix of Cathy Dennis, unmemorable Queen tracks and Technotronic. And the much-hated Transvision Vamp, back for some more half-arsed posturing over the same chords as Summertime Blues. You’d like to think NTWICM decided to call it day here, but the sausage factory kept grinding. They’re on 116 now, and probably won’t stop until they’ve literally run out of numbers.