IN the olden days, life was was more exciting for kids due to your embarrassingly low expectations. Having said that, some activities would leave a child of today needing counselling. Like these.
Watching Labyrinth
Seeing all that magic on screen was pure joy when you were a child. It’s weird that modern children aren’t enchanted by angry puppets and demands from David Bowie to come and be his child bride.
Driving through a car wash
You’ll never forget being stuck in a small, cramped space where robots battered the windows and you might have drowned if you’d tried to get out. It was definitely a thrill, in the same way being in a burning building is ‘thrilling’. These days car washes probably have wussy warnings everywhere, eg. ‘Not suitable for people who do not like the thought of being drowned, scalded to death or torn apart by machinery.’ Snowflakes.
Eating paper
With hindsight, a bit weird and attention-seeking, but at the time freaking out your friends by chowing down on a random bit of a book was the best, wasn’t it? These days paper is probably on dangerous allergen lists, so encourage children to eat normal things like crayons or hair.
Going to a funfair
Going to a ramshackle fairground in a field was as good as anything at Disneyland, which fortunately you hadn’t been to. And it was great for kids – some of them were even operating the rides. You didn’t meet Mickey and Goofy, but the rough-as-f**k tattooed blokes were interesting enough. Unfortunately these days theme parks are a heavily-regulated, sterile affair where you’re not even allowed to lose a finger.
Living with a ‘popcorn’ ceiling
Ceilings with a bumpy surface thanks to small lumps of polystyrene looked so much cooler than just boring paint. Sadly today’s homeowners are obsessed with poncey interior design concepts like ‘elegant’ and ‘simple’ and ‘definitely doesn’t have asbestos behind it’.
Walking to the shop on your own
It was a big day when you were told you could run to get some milk unaccompanied. You didn’t even know to be worried that you didn’t have your phone with you – which is funny, because now if someone told you to go somewhere without your phone you’d shit yourself.
