Dark evenings provide perfect opportunity to judge other people's living rooms

THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them. 

Tom Logan of Congleton admits he loves autumn evenings: the crisp chill in the air, the crunch of fallen leaves, and the parade of bad taste and canvas wall-art exhibited by his painfully lower-middle class neighbours before they close their curtains.

He said: “Oh wow, a photo of footprints on a beach. Is that a Jesus thing, or did you come by your triteness naturally?

“Steve and Emma at number 20 have made the basic error of choosing matching furniture to make it look like they live in a nursing home. Mix plains and patterns and classic and contemporary, you vulgarians!

“And this house. Did that leather corner sofa not look as big in DFS? Does it not fit in your lounge beneath the monolith of your 98-inch TV that is in turn too big for your chimney breast? Do you walk in every night and think ‘I’ve f**ked up here’ or do you not even know?

“Ah, Nathan and Donna, a massive extension and a bare concrete floor. Run out of money? Perhaps you shouldn’t have invested in a hazy white-background family studio portrait that looks like you’re beckoning a relative into heaven.

“And who’s this prick who thinks an abstract painting lends class, rather than being the empty choice of a coward? Who’s still rocking a feature wall in two thousand and twenty cocking four? Oh. This is my house.”

'Thank you for being you' means he's ejaculated: your Reply Guy's messages, decrypted

YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean? 

‘Hi.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘Hey.’ ‘Hey you.’ ‘Happy birthday’. ‘Hi!’

His long-term strategy is to reply to all your Stories but cunningly not to come across as desperate or weird by keeping it minimal. You can’t justifiably call him a creep when he’s only offering a greeting, can you? Finishes it with a final ‘bitch’ when you’ve not taken the bait after three years of his patient, loving self-abuse.

‘Thank you for being you’

A polite way of saying ‘I’ve just knocked one out over your selfies’. The same applies to ‘you’re a delight’ and ‘your posts bring joy to my life’, when actually he means ‘blood to my member’ and ‘semen to my sock’.

Random nonsensical attempt at humour

Sliding into the DMs with a joke the 25-year-old influencer he’s following is unlikely to get unless she likes Time Team memes. If she’s foolish enough to post a laughing emoji out of kindness, he’ll get carried away and soon be proposing she cage him and feed him like a pet. She’ll post screenshots of this freakiness to be mocked by all the lesser reply guys who didn’t have the nerve for the big Arnhem-style push into her DMs.

Demand a debate

The only thing your reply guy loves more than selfies in office wear is a  factual inaccuracy. Just because he’s spent months replying ‘gorgeous’ doesn’t mean he’s compromised his self-respect. Your factual error is an opportunity. ‘Debate me’ he pants, imagining a furious online argument over reparations descending into passionate kissing. How could a woman not be aroused by public correction?

‘I am technically married, yes’

Meaning technically, legally, practically and pretty much any other way a person can be married. But his wife is on the other end of the sofa watching MAFS, so right now his heart belongs to you. You can’t say he’s not committed.