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Basic woman only likes culture that's really good

AN UNORIGINAL woman only enjoys music, books and films that are enjoyable enough to be loved by millions, she has confirmed. 

The TV shows watched and holiday destinations visited by normcore 32-year-old Joanna Kramer are all painfully obvious choices united only by the fact they are widely accepted as excellent.

She said: “It wins me no cool points that my favourite artist is Taylor Swift or my favourite film Bridget Jones’s Diary, but they are good. That’s why I like them.

“And while I recognise I might seem more interesting if I was into the films of Jim Jarmusch or regularly attended open mic poetry slams in pub basements, I tend to avoid those things because when it comes down to it they’re shit.

“My favourite show is Friends. You know, that sitcom beloved by multiple generations and is still funny after all this time. And yes, I drink water out of a Stanley cup. Have you seen how much water those bad boys hold?

“When I go abroad it’s Venice or Paris or the white sand beaches of Majorca, all of which are f**king ace. And I take a Richard Osman book with me because they’re easy to read with a compelling mystery. And I have a brilliant time.”

Friend Donna Sheridan, who after much effort once managed to enjoy a Tracey Emin installation, said: “Joanna once dragged me to a Coldplay gig. It pains me to say they put on an incredible show.”

Decision of whether you're disabled or not to be outsourced to blokes in a pub

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers. 

The drinkers, who do not work themselves so are sympathetic to the condition, will be given a photograph, a quick rundown of symptoms and a pint of Stella before making their legally binding decision.

Wayne Hayes, who gives his address as The Morris Dancers in Colne, said: “What’s this one? Anxiety and can’t leave the house? You can work at home now. She’s fine.

“And this lad’s lost a leg. No getting around that he’s going to be dead weight on a building site. However there’s no restrictions on monopeds down the bookies and I know Phil needs someone part-time. Stamp him fine.

“You see, it’s good old-fashioned common sense that’s your guide, and we’ve got a monopoly on that. None of this PTSD or ADHD or BPD, which when all’s said and done are just initials. Colin’s got COPD and still has a cheeky fag.

“We can deal with hundreds every afternoon – by the end we’re doing it just off the photo – and to appeal the decision, pop down. We’re here every day from 12ish and we’ll give you a fair hearing. Ish. Being honest, we get markedly less fair after about 6pm.”

He added: “Half the daytime club in here are on benefits and they’re all working, so it goes to show nothing can stop you with the right mindset and a bag of dodgy vapes.”

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