BRITONS get up to all sorts in bed. Clothing, we mean, not sex. No one wants any of that disgusting malarky that interferes with a good night’s sleep. Here’s what your bed attire says about you.
Stark bollock naked
You’re a free spirit. This ‘nightwear’ guarantees not only unrestricted sleep, but also pubes in the sheets. Just try not to get pink eye off your own pillow. The real test is being brave enough to sleep naked at a friend’s house or hotel, when a stranger could come in and salaciously get an eyeful of your gorgeous arse. There’s also your kids. Nothing can prepare you for a toddler looking at your exposed genitals and bursting into tears.
Spider-Man pyjamas
Assuming you’re not four, you’re really into comics. You probably got these from Primark as a ‘joke’ and they’ve found their way into your proper wardrobe rotation. People would give you the benefit of the doubt but the Hulk bedspread gives it away. You just feel so safe and protected with Spidey all over your body, and there’s no shame in saying so, except to friends, strangers, co-workers and people you want to shag.
Sports wear
You see sleep as another athletic pursuit, and try to break personal bests and achieve excellence. You assess your sleep each morning using one of your dizzying array of wanky, scientifically questionable apps. Probably while ‘enjoying’ your morning wheatgrass shot, overnight oats and almond milk latte. This sort of sleep regime prepares you to jump out of bed and straight into a 10k run. Ideally into the nearest ocean. You tiresome twat.
Nightie and eye mask
You’re either 90 or just act that way. If it’s the former, you’ll have a commode, hot water bottle from June onwards and be in bed as soon as Pointless finishes at 6pm. Because you have to be up before dawn each day to do… well, f**k knows what. Go to the supermarket or buy a Daily Express probably.
If you’re young and choose this option, chances are you’ll also pop in a mouth guard to sleep in. Because you’re wound so tight you spend the entire night having stress dreams and grinding your teeth down to little nubs. Stick on that whale song CD and chill the f**k out.
Band t-shirt and cock out
You want some downstairs freedom but don’t like your growing gut to be exposed. And the band on the t-shirt will directly reflect how overweight you’ve got. The Strokes = mid 30s and getting chubby; Guns N’ Roses = middle-aged spread firmly set in; Led Zeppelin = absolutely enormous. Just hope you don’t get burgled and have to confront the intruder in a threadbare, too-tight Pink Floyd t-shirt with your pecker dangling gaily, although he may be paralysed with shock until the police get there.
