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A cheeky E and shagging the barman: Five rules everyone happily breaks while on holiday

HOLIDAYING abroad also means taking a break from your moral code. Here are five personal rules everybody thinks nothing of flouting while away.

Saying no to drugs

At home you’re the model of sobriety and decency. One plane trip later though and you’re chucking back a cheeky E before asking dubious folk on the street if they’ve got any weed. You’ll kid yourself into thinking it’s okay by pretending it’s part of the local culture. In fact, it’s not drug-taking, it’s having an authentic experience. Keep telling yourself that, even when you’re in a terrifying foreign prison.

Remaining faithful to your partner

Holiday dalliances are all part of the package deal. So long as nobody gets pregnant or spreads a disease, foreign flings are above board. You’ll start your trip off by saving yourself for the hottest person you can find in your league, but if you still haven’t pulled on the last day you’ll end up shagging a barman in the loos. A nice little mental souvenir for yourself.

Sticking to a strict budget

Purse strings are tight, especially after you’ve renewed your passport, been stung by various hidden Thomas Cook fees and spunked the best part of 500 quid on a hotel. Logically you should ration your remaining cash, but once the continental air rewires your brain you’ll be getting an Uber to the nearest tourist trap and splurging on everything. Money spent on holiday doesn’t count, after all.

Eating sensibly

People lose weight on holiday. That’s a scientific fact. Therefore you’re totally free to shovel chips into your mouth three times a day and gorge yourself on chocolate. Meanwhile vegetarians can leave their conscience at home and feast on whatever sweet animal flesh they fancy. It’s either that or starve to death, so grab another bratwurst and stop complaining.

Drinking vaguely in moderation

You have a habit of exceeding your recommended units as it is. Jet off to another time zone and the word ‘moderation’ completely slips out of your vocabulary. In fact you’ll be so permanently pissed that when you sober up you won’t be sure if your holiday was nothing more than a booze-fuelled hallucination. Luckily, the embarrassing photos your mates took of you, like the scarf at the end of The Snowman, will prove it really happened.

Coasters, and other cheapskate things to get away with buying from a wedding registry

BEING forced to splash cash on people who already have enough money for a fancy wedding? Here are the stingiest options:

Coasters

The couple in question don’t really want these, but you don’t want to spend half your month’s wages on an air fryer, so they’re having them. It’s not like they’re that cheap anyway, being made of handcrafted slate. And, no, you’re not paying extra to have them engraved with the couple’s initials. You don’t like them that much.

The smallest kitchen gadget

The newlyweds have lived together for seven years already and have most normal kitchen items, so the list is full of things like Belgian waffle makers and electric salad spinners. Find the smallest thing possible and pay for it begrudgingly because you know they will probably never use their garlic hammer or lemon deseeder.

A single plate

You know for a fact they have plenty of perfectly serviceable IKEA plates and bowls, because you’ve been round for food often enough, so you think it’s a bit cheeky that they want their guests to fork out for a luxury dinner service from a fancy designer. You purchase a single plate, which you know you’ll never get to eat off because they’ll insist on keeping it ‘for best’.

Scented candle

You’re burning money anyway by having to travel to a far-flung part of the country for a party you won’t really enjoy, so why not make the expense more literal? Anyway, the stupid candle still costs £15, which seems an outrageous amount to spend on something they’re going to set on fire. You hope they hate the scent of Lime Flower and Sea Salt, whatever the f**k that’s meant to smell like.

A £10 contribution to the honeymoon

Modern-day couples shatter the illusion that they are excited about setting up home together by brazenly admitting they just want your cold, hard cash. In the days when you stumped up for a toaster, you could feel good about supporting their budding domestic life together, but chipping in money for them to get drunk in the sun feels like they’re taking the piss. Donate the smallest amount you can possibly get away with.

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