ARE you a middle-class ponce with a property portfolio? Check off this list of things you undoubtedly already own:
An Aga, and the exorbitant bills that go with it
A Smeg refridgerator
A collection of fridge magnets subtly showing off all the countries you’ve visited and bought fridge magnets from
A cupboard of Emma Bridgewater mugs
Six different kinds of pesto
The complete works of Shakespeare, untouched
The complete works of Stephen Fry, heavily thumbed
A tote bag from an obscure literary festival where you wore wellies but didn’t need them
A waxed brown hunting jacket that smells of your Labradoodle, Watson
A Labradoodle called Watson
A sheaf of Grade 6 piano books
An upright piano that hasn’t been played since 2013
A box room for the miserable German au pair
No miserable German au pair ‘because of bloody Brexit’ and definitely not because of the poor accommodation, working conditions and pay you offered
Four pairs of matching salopettes
A whole school photograph from your son’s time at an overpriced private school, with useful contacts mentally circled
An overwhelming feeling that others are constantly judging you and looking down on you, when this only actually applies to close friends and family
Discreet alcoholism
A Lakeland voucher
