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15 things only invented as a piss-take that have inexplicably caught on

MUCH of daily life was invented as a bit of a joke and somehow we’ve bought it. Take these examples.

Bar stools: A surefire way to be incredibly uncomfortable, while simultaneously mildly anxious that your bag is out of reach ten miles away on the floor.

Contouring: Encourages people to draw on their own face to make it look three-dimensional, apparently unaware that it is already three-dimensional.

Cereal that is basically sweets: You can practically hear your child’s teeth falling out as they gobble down a bowl of Sugar Crunchy Choco Explosions. Or maybe that’s just the honeycomb chunks.

Turmeric lattes: Horrible yellow slop. Right now someone is pondering how to corner the market in blue drinks using something disgusting as a base ingredient. Maybe bath salts.

Posh cat food: The cat licks the jelly off the top and then looks at you balefully as if you are starving them, while you’ve been reduced to beans on toast again to support their Sheba Fine Flakes habit.

Pizzas with salad in the middle: Salad where the nicest, cheesiest bit of the pizza should be? F**k off.

Cleansing water: Invented by cosmetics companies for a laugh because normal water is also cleansing. Proof that idiots will pay £20 for anything if it’s in a nice box and has a French-sounding name.

Goji berries: Apparently will make you live longer. It will certainly feel like time has stopped when you’re trying to force these dry, bitter bastards down your throat.

Emojis: Trite, annoying and infantile. Your mum loves them.

Wide, calf-length trousers: Flattering to no one and surely designed as a joke, yet unquestioningly adopted as a stylish wardrobe staple.

Outdoor kitchens: Bored with your normal indoor kitchen? Install an extra one outside so you can watch forlornly from the window as it goes mouldy in the endless British rain.

Pizza Express dough balls: Flavourless with no nutritional value. You might as well eat leftover crusts from other tables. At least that would be free.

Small plates: The restaurant recommends four to five per person, which will cost a day’s wages and leave you eating your single piece of calamari in resentful silence.

Panna cotta: Bland, wobbly cooked cream which we have somehow been tricked into believing is a delicacy.

Pet insurance: Pay £35 a month to insure a dumb creature that doesn’t understand the concept of danger. When something expensive happens, find out it’s not covered. Continue paying regardless. Pet dies. Repeat.

Your dad's agonising attempts to be liberal about Pride

By Roy Hobbs

AS a 68-year-old heterosexual dad, you wouldn’t think I’d be supporting Gay Pride. But I’m actually very liberal about nancy boys. Here are some of my broadminded views.

You can’t turn gay from gays on TV

I used to believe this. It’s ridiculous when you think about it – I watched Strike It Rich with Michael Barrymore for years and I didn’t feel the slightest bit effeminate. It definitely didn’t make me wear a dress or hang around public toilets, and Barrymore’s bent as a safety pin. So as you can see, I’m a lot more liberal these days.

I’m supporting Gay Pride

When I watch Pride on TV I’ll be saying supportive things like ‘You go girl!’. That’s called ‘camp’, which is when gays pretend they’re women. Of course, some of them are women. You can spot them because they’ve got short hair and dungarees. Yes, I feel I’ve got quite a deep understanding of gay culture.

Gays have contributed so much to society

Alan Turing cracked the Enigma code. Jodie Foster was in Silence of the Lambs. Sam Fox had massive knockers. All gay, and I bet there’s loads more. I’m not saying every single homosexual has to be a high-achiever, it just shows there’s more to being gay than liking men’s arses.

They’re not all trying to have sex with you

Apparently not all gay men have an overwhelming urge to sleep with every single overweight hetero bloke droning on about Aston Villa, immigration and the wife wanting an extra power socket in the kitchen. Surprising, I know, but it means I can use the men’s toilets in the Bull & Weasel without constantly looking over my shoulder.

You can’t always tell if someone’s gay

This might shock you, but not all gays dress like Liberace or the Village People. In fact hardly any dress as Red Indians at all. They tend to reject these looks too: full drag; leather cap and bondage harness with bare chest and buttocks; Julian Clary’s gimp outfit. And what about Rock Hudson? No one had him down as a shirt lifter. What I’m saying is: let’s stop being obsessed with gay stereotypes.

Freddie Mercury

A turning point for me was Freddie Mercury turning out to be gay. Nobody saw that coming – he just looked like a normal bloke who liked a pint. I’m partial to a bit of Queen, and Freddie wrote classics like We Will Rock You and Fat Bottomed Girls (I admit that one’s a bit confusing). The point is: if Freddie could put on a good show at Live Aid, gays must be alright. That’s just being logical.

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