11 things to think about instead of going to f**king sleep

THERE is nothing more annoying than lying awake in bed wide awake because your brain won’t shut the f**k up. You’re probably thinking about some of these things…

To wee or not to wee

I am not sure I really need a wee, so I’ll have an hour-long debate about whether I really need one before getting up and having the damn wee anyway.

Whether the work email you sent sounded okay

I’m sure it sounded rude. Did I add too many exclamation marks? I’ll just get up and take a look in my sent box, decide it IS bad, then lie awake worrying about it for the rest of the night.

Peppa Pig theme tune

On a loop. Why this? Why now? It could be worse, it could be Mr Tumble.

How many hours of sleep you will get tonight

Four hours! How am I supposed to manage on four hours… now three hours… two? F**k, is that the alarm?

Have I got Covid?

I definitely coughed a few times earlier and my throat has been a bit sore. Maybe I should google the symptoms for the 1,000th time then decide I have all of them.

Are the kids okay?

Should you go and check on them? Yes. Sure, they were fine when you tucked them in but maybe just check again just in case. You’d feel awful if they were sick and you hadn’t gone to check on them.

Whether you can die of sleep deprivation

I’m so tired? What will happen if I never sleep again? I’ll probably die. I’ll google it now. That’s a great idea.

What to make for dinner tomorrow

Jacket potatoes? But we had those today. Is it okay to have jacket potatoes two days in a row? Who knows or cares, just go the f**k to sleep.

All the stuff

But what about the stuff. Then the other stuff and more stuff. Oh and that bit of stuff you thought you’d forgotten about.

Do fish vomit?

Right, brain you’re just being a dick now.

But can they?

F**k off and let me sleep.

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Everything you need to know about the Batley and Spen by-election shitshow

CONFUSED about why the Batley and Spen by-election is so controversial and why there are so many wankers involved? Read our Q&A.

Why is it so important?

It’s viewed as a test of whether Labour can win back white, working class voters. But a lot of them are just Brexit morons who think Belgium steals our fish. So don’t count on their political insights.

Who’s that bearded twat in a fedora?

George Galloway, the worst kind of opportunist. If they did Political Love Island he’d happily be shagging Ann Widdecombe doggystyle while shouting ‘YES! YES! YES!’ just to be on TV, which is a difficult image to remove from your brain.

Why are people throwing eggs?

It appears to be Islamist activists pissed off about everything from Palestine to lesbians. Being hit with an egg hurts, but they need to upgrade their armoury if they’re going to take on Israel.

What do most local Muslims think?

Who? The only people who have a true understanding of Batley and Spen’s local community are right-wing London-based pundits who are planning a weekend away in Cornwall after they’ve knocked out 800 words this afternoon.

What is Labour leader Keir Starmer doing?

Either keeping quiet or tacitly agreeing with people who don’t like Polish people. It’s this kind of high-minded idealism that will win Labour many votes. At some point.

So who will win?

The Conservatives, obviously. But not exactly a huge challenge when Brexit voters would pretend to like food shortages rather than accept they might have been wrong.

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