FAR-RIGHT lunatics are seizing power across Europe, but which of these boggle-eyed xenophobes is fit to fill Adolf Hitler’s jackboots?
Marine Le Pen, France
National Front leader whose name means ‘The Pen by the Sea’, which she hopes to fill with Jews and Muslims. Le Pen is looking for a way to conquer Europe with an army that demands four-hour lunch breaks.
Odds of being new Hitler 12/1
Giorgia Meloni, Italy
Italy’s first female leader but far from their first fascist, is firmly against immigration, gay marriage, gay parenting and all combinations of those three. Despite her name being essentially Gorgeous Melons looks like any other politician, much to the Sun’s disappointment.
Odds of being new Hitler 13/3
Geert Wilders, Netherlands
Pompadoured Dutch fool whose name is a Lancastrian expression for a badly-behaved dog, as in ‘Ee, thou pup’s geert wilders.’ Described his country as full of ‘asylum profiteers, woke crazies, Arabs, non-binaries and quinoa chewers’, unaccountably missing out ‘weed smokers, prostitutes, waxed cheese fanatics and British lads on stag nights.’
Odds of being new Hitler 40/9
Viktor Orban, Hungary
Eurosceptic, homophobic, anti-media, anti-judiciary and anti-immigrant, Orban will therefore be unable to complain when Putin invades and he falls out of a window. Loved by Trump so will end up being f**ked over by him as well.
Odds of being new Hitler 20/1
Nigel Farage
Reform leader considered charismatic in Britain but viewed by Europeans roughly as we view a face painted on an egg. Credibility with military low after his 2010 election day attempt at taking a light aircraft in a low-level bombing run on Buckinghamshire ended in disaster.
Odds 100/1
Adolf Hitler
Former German Chancellor now in present day after a failed assassination attempt by the inventor of a time machine. Currently building support in German beer halls, the all-new Hitler has swept away doubters with his fashionable quiff and handlebar moustache.
Odds Evens
