THERE’S a growing movement to boycott American goods, but obviously you want to look principled without being inconvenienced in any way. Here’s what to boycott and not.
Hershey bars
It’s not a massive sacrifice to give up something that tastes like shit and you never eat anyway, so these should be top of your boycott list. You’ll be sticking with that iconic symbol of Britain’s Blitz spirit, the Freddo.
iPhones
They’re not really better than other phones but they are way cooler, so you want to keep buying them. Luckily they’re made in China not America, so thanks for that get-out clause, Apple, you slave labour-loving bastards.
Nike trainers
Once you’re above the age of 14 you’re unlikely to be bullied for not owning a pair of Air Force 1s, unless you’re attending a very strange dinner party indeed. Your existing Nikes will probably last beyond Trump’s presidency anyway, so go ahead and boycott the brand. How d’you like that highly-principled stand against your corrupt, lying administration, Donald?
Tesla
Tesla is so laughably badly managed under Elon Musk you can’t drive a Cybertruck in Europe even if you’re mad enough to want to. Their normal cars are relatively overpriced with poor build quality, and right now you’d be more popular driving around in a Tiger tank with SS runes on the turret. Not difficult to boycott.
Pyrex
Uh oh. Pyrex is good and you don’t fancy boycotting it, so think of something quick… if you dropped normal glassware it would shatter into dangerous shards that could easily maim a child if they insisted on rolling around in them, right? That’ll do. You needn’t boycott American brand Pyrex, because of the kiddies.
Sabrina Carpenter
You could probably survive without Sabrina’s not-very-unique brand of frothy electronic pop, but cutting her out of your life entirely would feel like abandoning a particularly cute puppy in a storm. Somehow you get the feeling she’s not a hardcore MAGA ethno-fascist, so no need for a boycott.
MacBooks
Macs are obviously for cutting-edge, sexy, creative types like you, unlike PCs which do exactly the same thing but are for boring, sexually-spent office mediocrities. You’re not going to be able to give up your MacBook, but if your friends are all pseudy wankers writing terrible screenplays or ‘journaling’ in coffee shops they’ll totally understand.
Lockheed Martin F-35s
While it would be cool to own a vertical take-off multi-role fighter jet, you probably don’t have £65 million to hand. And there really are less frivolous things to spend it on, like a castle. Congratulate yourself on making the right moral decision by not owning one.
McDonald’s
The only genuinely appealing menu item is the Big Mac, and the restaurants are frequently a Hieronymus Bosch with sportswear, so go ahead and show Trump we Brits and our European neighbours won’t bow down to American economic imperialism. If you order a ‘Maccy D’s’ from Deliveroo every other night, forget about the economic imperialism bit and boycott McDonald’s just to stop being such a sad bastard.
Disney
F**king up Star Wars beyond all repair and failing to recreate the fun of Marvel Phase Three really helps with your decision to boycott Disney. God knows it’s going to be tough living without the life-changing televisual genius of Agatha All Along, but you’re going to do the morally right thing – whatever the non-existent personal cost!
