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Victoria's Secret girls look spectacularly dead behind the eyes

UNDERWEAR models at the Victoria’s Secret show have wowed audiences with the eerie emptiness in their eyes.

The annual fashion show, which according to newspapers is the latest American thing that you like, saw Amazonian women parading the deadest eyes and least convincing smiles ever seen.

Attendee Tom Booker said: “Frankly I was there to leer over the boobs at this weird corporate perv-fest, but it was the eyes that stuck in my mind.

“Flawless, empty, orbs in doll-like faces. It reminded me of my nan’s open-casket funeral.

“Also there was a bra covered in diamonds worth more money than some countries and some half-hearted PG rating pseudo-lesbianism.

“As a red-blooded male I thought I would be loving all this but I actually feel a bit scarred and am quitting my job to work with homeless people.”

Britain thanks Alastair Campbell for his apology

BRITAIN has welcomed Alastair Campbell’s apology for destroying journalism.

Writing in the Guardian, Tony Blair’s former spin doctor described how Britain’s media have been systematically vandalised by a small number of nauseatingly vile characters.

Campbell lambasted people who engage in ‘distortion and manipulation’ in what experts confirmed was a heroic admission of guilt, typical of the man who helped create the Iraq war out of thin air.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “He didn’t mention himself by name, because he didn’t have to.

“Alastair has enough respect for our collective intelligence to not point out the obvious. Which makes the apology all the more gracious.

“He knows that we know that he is one of the most appalling things to happen to British journalism. So we can all take that as read and focus – as Alastair so rightly suggests – on the things that actually matter.

“And that is – as Alastair explains so elegantly – that the British public has been serially abused by devious bastards eager to manipulate us for their own commercial or political advantage.

“What Alastair is basically saying is, ‘I hate what Murdoch, Dacre and myself have done to journalism. We are hollow-eyed demons from the fetid bowels of hell’.”

Cook added: “He is a humble, self-deprecating man who is nevertheless imbued with great wisdom.”

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