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UK rescue attempt convinces Brits to stay in Libya

UK attempts to rescue British citizens trapped in Libya have convinced most of them to dig a big hole in the sand and live in it.

Hundreds of Britons have watched French, Spanish and even Italian people leave the strife-torn North African country with little or no trouble, while the UK effort becomes trapped in a downward spiral of unremitting Britishness.

An RAF Hercules transporter, scheduled to collect stranded expats three days ago, was unable to take off until the crew had been addressed by deputy prime minister Nick Clegg.

When it did eventually begin its mission it landed in Lebanon by mistake. And then Liberia. And then Lisbon.

And then Libby Purves.

Meanwhile the HMS Cumberland is still anchored 20 miles off the Libyan coast with the captain blaming the ‘wrong type of water’ and stressing there is no point in going any further as thanks to defence cutbacks they no longer have a gang-plank.

A ministry of defence spokesman said: “We are currently trying to convince Africa to move 20 miles north at which point those with particularly strong calf muscles may be able to jump on board.”

Expat Tom Logan said: “I lived in Britain for 37 years. I can’t do it again.

“Gaddafi may be out of his fucking nut, but if Libya had trains I’ll bet you they would run on time. And if they didn’t then he would at least have the decency to blow them up.”

He added: “I lost count of the number of days I would turn up at Clapham Junction to find that, yet again, it had not been destroyed by the RAF. But that’s the Britain for you in a nutshell.

“In the meantime I’ve dug myself a lovely hole and I’m sure that things will calm down soon enough. And even if the new government is filled to the brim with fundamentalist maniacs at least it won’t include someone like Chris Huhne.”

BP worker Helen Archer said: “Given the amount of money BP made last year I would suggest they just buy the RAF and get me the fuck out of here, but the thought of BP having it’s own, fully armed air force makes me so scared I could shit.”

 

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly
It’s been so long since someone rang my bell I’m starting to wonder if
I’ll ever have another orgasm that doesn’t involve
four AA batteries. All the men at work are either married, gay or potential serial killers, except for Brian in accounts, and I’ve already shagged him and discovered his horrific affliction. If I wasn’t such an aggressive atheist I’d join a nunnery, so instead I thought I’d become a lesbian, but I am not quite sure how to go about this. I quite like Constant Craving by KD Lang: do you think I’ve got what it takes?
Abigail
Wigan

 

Dear Abigail,
If you think about it, hanging around with girls is best because they know their way around a skipping rope, appreciate the value of a good quality tea set and don’t give you a chinese burn when you won’t show them what colour knickers you’re wearing. Plus they don’t smell of farts and touch themselves in rude places and continually make stupid laser gun sounds with their mouths. Actually, I think I must be a lesbian myself because I hate all the boys in my class and I hold hands with Angelica Watson all the time in the playground. The only thing I’m not sure about is my big sister told me that to be a real lesbian you need to lick carpet. I tried licking the rug in my bedroom but nothing much happened except I ended up with loads of fluff and an old toenail in my mouth. Aside from that, the only problem with being a lesbian, as far as I can see, is that your favourite colour is not allowed to be pink, and you can’t wear any lovely pretty dresses and you have to have an ugly man haircut and a fat back. However, if you think about it, this isn’t so bad if it means you get to avoid having bogies wiped on your school jumper all the time. As far as I’m concerned, as long as it means I can still marry Justin Bieber then I reckon being a lesbian is an excellent idea.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

 

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