THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time. 

Previously £35 per ejaculation, sperm donors are now getting a princely £45 – enough for a meal for two at Nando’s – for doing nothing more than jizzing into a cup.

Nathan Muir, a regular donor, said: “My bollocks just got a 22 per cent pay rise. Beat that, junior doctors.

“Turning up and pulling off was already a good deal, but now it’s a f**king great one. I don’t need to tell you I’d be doing it anyway. I’ve turned my passion into an income stream.

“I pity the lads who have no idea they’re throwing away white gold. All you’ve got to do is go through a few piddling background checks then you’ve got a regular date with a clinical room and official wanking sanction. Name a better way of making money.”

Dr Joseph Turner said: “If you’re infatuated with the sin of Onan and need a new pair of trainers, spaff with us. Every time you shoot your filthy yoghurt you’re making bank. At £45 per wad, with Christmas coming, you can’t afford not to nut.

“Do I do it? I’m wearing a £5,000 Omega watch, mate. Bought entirely with wrist work.”