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Putin compares Charles to Anthea Turner

VLADIMIR Putin has compared Prince Charles to Anthea Turner because he is a ‘fragrant, middle-aged woman with no power’.

The Russian president thanked the Prince for comparing him to Hitler and said that like Turner, the heir to the throne was ‘every man’s idea of the perfect English housewife’.

He added: “Like Turner he is part of a great British institution, albeit one with far less power and influence than Blue Peter.

“And like Turner he had a troubled first marriage with his personal life splattered all over the tabloids, before he found true love.

“I just hope Charles and his husband Camilla have a more enduring relationship than Anthea and Grant Bovey.

“But most of all when I think of Prince Charles, I think of someone who was born to wear an apron and keep my house clean and tidy.

“I sometimes dream of being greeted at the front door by a lovely, demure English woman like Prince Charles, when I come home from my busy job of being a real man with actual power.”

President Putin said Prince Charles could ‘take a leaf out of Anthea’s book’ and make himself more relevant by appearing in the next series of Dancing on Ice.

 

Your astrological week ahead, by Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)?
Sad news as UKIP cancels plans to combat homophobia accusations by having Roger Helmer do a G-A-Y show as John Inman’s character in Are You Being Served?.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)?
You’ve reached the age where the only time you’d be likely to be asked for ID is if you tried to get a flu jab.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They say owners start to look like their dog and that’s true in your case as it died two years ago.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
That Tic Tac ad says they ‘turn your bum into maracas’, but you ate two packs of the diet ones full of Sorbitol and turned your bum into a lawn sprinkler.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No news from the Oscar ceremony committee on your suggestion to rename the section commemorating this year’s deaths as “The gak or the sauce?”

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)?
While the song is right to tell people to stay away from Runaround Sue, her sister Tirama is a delight.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sat on the sofa, one hand down your jogging pants and the other in a bag of Doritos, is the perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon, if you can ignore all the DFS staff asking you to leave.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After your wife handed you a set of divorce papers and a paternity suit for your birthday last year, you totally know how Yaya Toure feels right now.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)?
I’d rinse that under cold water if I were you. As long as you promise not to use my bathroom to do it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)?
Standing on the set of a porn version of Star Trek, it’s not what you had in mind when you applied for a Data entry job.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Over the years you’ve helped raise awareness of a number of issues but the main one has been what a pain in the arse you are.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)?
Due to proportional representation, as of May 22nd you will now be Capricorn.

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