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Davis tells room full of people who can speak German that they'd all be speaking German if it wasn't for us


DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.

Davis made the announcement during day two of the Brexit negotiations after not knowing what else to say.

Chief EU negotiator, Michel Barnier, told the Brexit secretary: “I can speak German. In fact I can speak several languages.

“What’s your point?”

In response, Davis shook his head while scribbling on a piece of paper and muttering to himself about ‘smart arses’.

Davis then offered to lend the Europeans his DVD of the classic documentary series The World at War, ‘narrated by Brexit-supporting Laurence Olivier’.

He added: “Maybe they’ll learn a thing or two. Which they almost certainly will because they all speak excellent English.”

Middle class ‘Day of Rage’ focused on poor quality of supermarket tomatoes

MIDDLE class people have spent a ‘Day of Rage’ protesting about IKEA, supermarket tomatoes and the quality of their workplace coffee.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “Why can’t IKEA furniture be just that little bit sturdier? And the straps on the yellow bags really cut into my shoulder. Also, they used to do these lovely goblet wine glasses. Why did they stop?

“Because they’re evil, Swedish sons of bitches.”

Tom Logan, from Swindon, said: “I’ve repeatedly asked Carol, the office manager, to order Café Bustelo or at least Douwe Egberts. My friends’ workplaces have espresso machines, meanwhile I’m treated like a manual labourer.

“Yes, I suppose it is like a form of apartheid.”

Alice Wilson, from Edinburgh, added: “Look at the inside of this tomato. Is it red? No, it is not. It’s a sort of orangey-pink. It may as well be beige.

“When I go to the Dordogne in July I can buy beautiful, deep red tomatoes from the local Super U. Sort this shit out Sainsbury’s or I’m putting a fucking brick through your window.”

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