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Both world wars could have been stopped if everyone had guns, says presidential candidate

THE FIRST and second world wars would never have happened if both sides had been armed, according to Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson.

The former neurosurgeon also listed a number of other tragedies which could have been averted by a universally armed populace, including Chernobyl, the 1997 death of Princess Diana and the Great Flood.

Carson continued: “Whether it’s the Holocaust or a stubbed toe, bad things don’t happen to good people with guns.

“Cut up in traffic? Passed over for promotion at work? Disappointed that Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk still isn’t universally recognised as a classic? A gun will solve all of these problems and more.”

Carson, who is currently in second place behind Donald Trump but plans “to correct that error with my old pal, Mr .45”, has been throwing handfuls of guns to delighted crowds at campaign events.

But rival Republican Jeb Bush said: “In his praise of guns, Dr Carson is neglecting the crucial role played by bullets.

“That is discrimination, pure and simple.”

Arsene Wenger hasn’t eaten food since 1972

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger has not consumed solid food for over 45 years.

Wenger gave up eating after becoming engrossed in footballing philosophy and the need for his team to win as philosophically as possible.

Former assistant manager Pat Rice said that despite the club’s catering budget, Wenger preferred to bring in his own sandwiches, which he ended up stuffing down the sides of sofa in his office.

Rice said: “He’s always felt that food slowed down thinking, slowed down players.

“For the first few years of his managerial career he closed down the player’s canteen and initially it worked well, as Arsenal won several titles and cups. By 2006 the ban began to take its toll and the trophies dried up.”

Several high profile players left the club after asking to be transferred to teams where they were allowed food.

A club source said: “We supply Arsene with liquidised carrots through his nostrils while he sleeps. But he must never know this, otherwise his entire philosophy would be ruined.”

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