THE US is panicking and running in all directions after the attempted shooting of Donald Trump, and prepared to come to the following wildly erroneous conclusions:
“Arm Trump”
If the former president had been packing an assault rifle, the permanently-armed believe, he could have returned fire and taken out the shooter. Therefore, like kindergarten teachers, he should pack heat at all times. Also useful should he come across crimes taking place in the course of his daily round of court cases against him.
“Hold bullies’ victims at gunpoint”
There are plausible rumours that the 20-year-old Pennsylvania shooter was badly bullied. Rather than restricting gun ownership, the obvious move is to keep weapons trained on anyone being bullied – for life. Bullies could liaise with SWAT teams on who they’ve given a dead leg that day, and if they seem angry about it lethal force should be authorised.
“Biden and the liberal media ordered this”
Biden, the sleepy old man who was a danger only to himself last week, did say to ‘put Trump in a bullseye’. Trump, by contrast, merely calls him crooked, claims he is the victim of a legal witch-hunt, and attempted to overthrow an election. None of that is in the least inflammatory.
“Jesus survived an assassination”
Being crucified isn’t really an assassination, but hammering facts out of shape to make them fit the cult of Trump is standard by now. And it’s clear he’s the new Jesus despite his total lack of interest in Christianity and life of fornication and divorces. Now he’s risen again, who’s to say he can’t perform miracles?
“It was a conspiracy”
The assassination is the definition of ‘lone gunman’, but the online are already calling onlookers ‘crisis actors’ for not immediately screaming when shots were fired. That’s not how reality works, but nor was Hillary Clinton a paedophile adrenochrome vampire who ordered victims from a busy, fashionable pizza restaurant in the centre of Washington.
“The Trump marriage is as solid as a rock”
Melania has called the shooter a ‘monster’, backing up Fox News fantasies that she is a happy, loving, obedient wife. As tests of spousal loyalty go, coming out against your husband getting his head blown off is setting the bar low.
“Trump is a hero”
It’s hard to deny Trump came out of the whole horrific incident looking defiant and cool, defiantly blurting out ‘Fight, fight, fight!’ with a raised fist. Is this enough to sway divided voters? Does ‘he shrugged off getting shot’ really overrule ‘he has confirmed no election in which he loses is valid, and appointed a vice-president who will guarantee that’?
