subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman pretty much announces she's pregnant by turning down glass of wine

A WOMAN has more or less announced that she is pregnant by turning down the offer of alcohol.

Emma Bradford attended friend Donna Sheridan’s house-warming party where she basically confirmed she was expecting by asking for orange juice despite proper drinks being available.

Sheridan said: “I asked her if she was driving and she said ‘No’.”

“My next question may as well have been ‘Have you got any names in mind yet?’ Or ‘Do you know who the father is?’”

“But I thought I’d leave that as she and Tom are getting on a lot better now and I heard that guy in her work, Martin has moved to a different department, so he’s hardly even in the picture any more.”

Bradford added: “Why does everyone think I’m pregnant just because I’m not drinking? I should have just said I was sober curious or some millennial shit like that.

“But none of my friends would have believed that for a second so yeah, fuck it, I’m pregnant, is that what you all want to hear?”

MPs to debate massive disaster then do it anyway

MPS have welcomed plans to discuss Brexit in depth then just do it anyway.

Politicians have promised to have a rigorous debate but remain committed to morons who did not really care what they were voting for.

Labour MP Stephen Malley said: “I’m going to ask some pretty tough questions about Brexit but without upsetting anyone I want to vote for me.

“I intend to highlight the devastating consequences of Brexit, but not actually try to prevent them by calling for a vote.

“Job losses, falling tax revenues, damage to the NHS – these are all issues I intend to talk about before going home to see if I look good on Newsnight.”

Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “I want to get to the facts about Brexit, because there’s hardly any information about it after months of intense discussion and analysis.

“I don’t want to alienate Leave voters so I’ll probably ask an insipid question like, ‘Can I ask for an assurance that cat sanctuaries will not be directly affected by Brexit?’

“Personally I’m opposed to Brexit but I can’t ignore the will of the people and I’m so loaded that it won’t affect me anyway.”

Next story ›