By the Department of Health
THE NHS is so good under the Tories that people can’t wait to go into hospital. That means there might be a wait for a ride in an ambulance. Here are some fun ways to fill the time.
Board games
A few games of Operation will get you in the mood for major surgery. It’s actually how most surgeons learn their trade. Alternatively a long, engrossing game of Monopoly will take your mind off a burst appendix. Just don’t get so involved you forget there’s an ambulance outside and bleed to death.
Start a business
What could be more Tory than becoming an entrepreneur thanks to NHS cuts designed to make everyone so unhappy with the service they can’t wait for private health insurance? And who knows, a few years down the line you could be sunning yourself on a £10 million yacht after supplying the NHS with unfit-for-purpose kit, eg. respirators that suck your lungs out.
Catch up on your streaming shows
If you’re anything like us you still haven’t finished Succession! A long wait for an ambulance means you can finish The Rings of Power without feeling guilty about starting The Peripheral. If you’re in a lot of pain, pretend it’s futuristic immersive TV and you’re suffering from a sword wound.
Make a start on that screenplay
We’ve all meant to sit down and write our film or TV script, but real life always gets in the way. An open fracture or breathing difficulties means you’ve got 15 whole hours of ‘me time’ to focus on your masterwork. And it provides you with loads of material: a race to hospital, gory injuries, heroic paramedics, medical jargon, NHS staff cracking up. Just hope it’s not too life-or-death or you won’t be starting episode 2.
Do a medical degree
Sadly, 15 hours isn’t enough to become a doctor, but you could become a fully-qualified reiki consultant. However if you have a life-threatening long-term illness requiring constant emergency admissions it’s entirely doable. Buy some medical textbooks and in a few years you’ll be earning a fortune and able to treat yourself the moment you start getting agonising pain.
Dream about meeting your true NHS love
Thanks to what psychologists call ‘transference’, when you finally get to hospital you’ll instantly fall in love with anyone who might ease the worsening pain. It might be a handsome paramedic, a sexy doctor like Jac from Holby City, or a wheezing 60-year-old porter on 60 fags a day. It’s such a great new NHS service we should start charging for it. And we will.
