YOUR body is largely good to you, but that doesn’t stop you causing it unnecessary pain by doing some utterly stupid things. Like these:
Biting your tongue
Chewing is a basic human function which you’ve been doing since you were about 18 months old. Yet, on a semi-regular basis, you f**k up this simple process and bite your own tongue, which hurts like absolute hell. Why haven’t you got the hang of it yet?
Sitting on your own bollock
You’ve sat down thousands, if not millions of times, absolutely faultlessly. And then, out of the blue, your scrotum decides to distend itself to the length of a sock and you’re screaming in pain on the chair you’ve just thunked yourself into. You have to lower yourself gingerly onto every surface for weeks afterwards.
Chilli in your eye
You’ve just made a complicated, spicy curry for date night and then, like the idiot you are, you’ve given your eyes a good long rub with your Scotch bonnet-infused fingers. They instantly become bright red and weep so copiously that you’ve completely scuppered your chances of getting laid tonight.
Stubbing your toe
Just for a moment you lose all sense of spatial awareness and give the chair leg that’s always in exactly the same place a colossal kick while walking past it. After rolling around on the floor in agony for a few minutes you ring 111, who tell you there’s no chance you’ll be seen for such a poxy injury and hang up.
Pulling a muscle in your neck sleeping
When you’re asleep you are lying down, inert and, in theory, relaxed. So how can it be possible that you wake up several mornings a week having pulled a muscle in your neck? Are you sleepwalking downstairs and doing some advanced yoga? You hope not, as you don’t know any yoga. Which might also explain why your body is so worryingly tense.
Burning your mouth with cheese
You are well aware that cheese which has come straight out of the oven is hotter than the surface of the sun and will burn you. And yet, every time, you can’t stop yourself ramming it in your gob, where it sticks to the roof of your mouth, burns off your tastebuds, and generally destroys everything in its path like delicious napalm.
