subscribe
/ Sign Out

Single people avoid all that kale bullshit, say experts

SINGLE people prefer to avoid kale and other bullshit vegetables, according to a new study.

Studies showed that they also leave the fat on their bacon and were unaware that grab bags of crisps could be partially eaten and closed with a clothes peg.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When I was single for 18 months the only green food I ever ate was jelly babies. It was brilliant.

“Sure, I enjoy the support and companionship of a long-term relationship, but now if I leave some bread and peanut butter next to the bed for when I get peckish, I get my head bitten off.”

Many single people said they would be more willing to eat healthier under the right set of circumstances, such as every takeaway in Britain simultaneously burning to the ground.

Professor Brubaker said: “Do they still make Findus Crispy Pancakes? Shit, I miss those.”

Peeping Tom on moon given telescope

A PERVERTED old man living in a crater on the moon is given a telescope to spy on couples having sex in John Lewis’s Christmas advert.

The heart-warming advert, in which a little girl helps a lonely voyeur 238,900 miles from his nearest dogging site find joy again, has already been hailed as “the true meaning of Christmas”.

A John Lewis spokesman said: “Christmas is a time for thinking of others, so spare a thought for the dirty old man on your street whose only sexual gratification will be stuffing his turkey.

“Don’t close the curtains when you get undressed this season. Don’t turn off your hacked webcam before sex, and if someone’s rubbing up against you on the bus let them.

“It’s a gift that costs literally nothing to give but could mean the world to someone spending Christmas alone.”

The advert, which ends with a fast zoom out from the moon to the sound of unzipping and a cackle of filthy laughter, has already doubled sales of telescopes, night-vision goggles and telephoto lenses.

Next story ›