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Man reaches 'grunting at urinal' stage of life

A MAN is horrified to realise he has started making unusual grunting noises whenever he uses a urinal. 

Nathan Muir had presumed that the creepy sighs of effort he had been hearing came from men in adjacent urinals, until he realised he could also hear them when he went for a piss at home.

Muir said: “Going for a slash used to be easy. I never thought I’d get to the stage where I’d have to strain so hard that I made noises like a Soviet shot putter.

“I have to clench hard enough to piss, but not so hard I soil myself. It’s like trying to rub your tummy and pat your head, but with significantly more jeopardy.

“Plus I have to pee more often now. I used to be able to down seven pints before I had to break the seal, but now I’m up in the night if I so much look at a can of lager before bedtime.

“Is this what ageing is? Even the simple shit demands grunts, groans and sighs of effort? If so count me out.”

Five minging things about the swimming pool you haven't missed

YOU’RE keen to get back to your public pool, but don’t forget your hazmat suit. There’s still plenty to make you gag:

Plasters

Surfacing and pulling a wet, flaccid plaster out of your hair is synonymous with swimming. It’s impossible to dodge a flesh-coloured piece of Elastoplast encrusted with someone else’s pus and a horrible but inevitable part of every bathing experience, even if you are a member at a fancy gym.

Verrucas

Despite being more of a nuisance than actually physically harmful, catching a verruca is still f**king disgusting. It might explain the middle-class obsession with wild swimming – you might catch Weil’s disease from rat piss but at least you won’t get a stranger’s warts on your feet.

The smell

Public pools are pumped full of chlorine to neutralise the horrible germs and bodily fluids they’re full of after five minutes of use by humans. While this is good at stopping you catching highly infectious skin diseases, it also means you’ll reek like an disused chemical plant for days afterwards.

Communal showers

Showering is a very personal affair to be shared only once with a lover at the beginning of a relationship. The indignity of being chatted to by complete strangers in communal showers whilst clearing your crevices is never pleasant, but marginally preferable to driving home in wet Speedos.

Urine

They might deny it but adults wee in the pool all the time, so don’t think you’re going to avoid a mouthful of warm piss by steering clear of family swim sessions. The only way to not be covered in wee is not to go swimming, so if it really upsets you, consider jogging instead. That way you’ll only have to deal with bleeding nipples.

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