Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Married men who are wealthy or attractive enough to be promiscuous but then get caught have been checking into a clinic where they are strapped to a chair and have their eyelids pinned open with bulldog clips before sitting through the 108 minute film.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "When it's finished we wait until their breathing has returned to normal and then tell them that all woman love that film.

"After leaving the room they are unable to look at a woman and even the faintest whiff of perfume is enough to make them vomit."

He added: "For someone with a particularly strong addiction we start them off in WH Smith gazing at the row upon row of dead trees that have been used to tell women that a small group of no-talent skanks will get through whatever mildly stressful situation they are currently experiencing."

Addict Julian Cook said: "The first 20 minutes or so weren't too bad as I've always secretly liked a bit of Abba. But as the film progressed into increasingly raucous scenes of dancing, yelping and general female wish fulfilment, I was seized by a terrible headache, like the menopause was somehow getting in through my eyes and squashing my brain.

"Meanwhile, as I'm starting to hyperventilate, the female technicians were standing around drinking cheap fizzy wine, singing along at an unbelievable volume and cackling at each other like idiot witches in too much make-up."

He added: "Since leaving the clinic, I have been utterly terrified of vagina owners and indeed anything remotely feminine.

"I could possibly have sex with Jason Donovan, but that's about it."

Brown Asks For Five More Years Of Ed Balls

GORDON Brown kicked-off the general election campaign today by seriously expecting Britain to take another five years of Ed Balls and his ghastly, unbearable face.

The prime minister ended months of speculation by confirming May 6 as polling day and then tried to tell us that we should keep paying that little bastard's wages instead of simply pushing him under a horse.

Pundits say the election contest will be the closest and most hard fought since 1992, unless the Tories abandon their existing strategy and just put up thousands of posters everywhere saying 'Ed Balls'.

Following a cabinet meeting this morning Mr Brown donned his Spiderman costume and made the short trip to Buckingham Palace where he asked the Queen to dissolve Dr Octopus. Once Mr Brown left, the cabinet secretary saw the Queen and ask her to dissolve Parliament.

Mr Brown then gave a speech on the steps of Downing Street where he removed his Spiderman mask to the pretend gasps of his cabinet colleagues.

The Labour leader announced that he has been Spiderman all along and that Britain must now choose between a man who can scale a glass building without using unwieldy suction cups, or a man with eight mechanical arms who will take money out of the economy by letting people keep it to spend on stuff they like.

Conservative leader David Cameron launched his campaign with a jaw-droppingly insincere speech about hope before giving a Life on Mars box set to a young married couple from the Midlands.

A spokesman said: "This election is about reaching out to everyone in Britain, asking them what box set they would like and then buying it for them."

And the Lib Dems launched their campaign in Watford where Nick Clegg and Vince Cable entered into a civil partnership before walking into a local guesthouse and demanding a room where they could indulge in a passionate, open-mouthed kiss.

A spokesman added: "Vince is very popular among angry gay men and people who don't know the first thing about economics. And Nick really likes him too."

Guardian editor, Peter Mandelson, said: "Gordon Brown is granite, David Cameron is plastic, Wayne Rooney is a sort of aluminium composite, Cheryl Cole is a dense, wholemeal bun, Nick Clegg is a wax version of a Pierce Brosnan impersonator and I'm a mixture of creme fraiche and battery acid in an innocent-looking mayonnaise jar."

Meanwhile voters across Britain have been setting out their plans to make politicians regret being the sort of people who are so inadequate that they had no choice but to go into politics.

Tom Logan, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: "I'm going to buy a small air horn and if one of them approaches me I will just stare at him blankly and fire off a series of sustained blasts until he moves along."

Nathan Muir, a sandwich shop manager from Stevenage, said: "I'm going to pretend to be a pro-life, homosexual racist, who enjoys Ken Loach films and hare coursing – just to see if I can give one of them a massive brain hemorrhage ."

Bill McKay, a house husband from Doncaster, said: "I'm going to agree enthusiastically with everything they say but then tell them I'm not going to vote for them because I think they are the ugliest human being I have ever seen in my life."

Helen Archer, a sales manager from York, added: "I'm going to tell them that I will happily vote for them, but only if they strip down to their undies, lie on the ground and let me defecate into their mouth.

"I'm pretty sure the Lib Dem will offer to do it anyway."