Loud sneezers told to get a f**king grip

LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sneezes happen, I get that. But I draw the line when people seem physically satisfied for somehow creating a noise that’s louder than glass bottles being tipped into the recycling.

“I know there’s a danger that if you hold in a sneeze you might rupture your eardrums, but how likely is that really?

“And if that does happen your name might end up in a medical journal. It’s a small price for fame.

“Meanwhile, teeny-tiny sneezers can f**k off as well. You’re expelling air and snot, so don’t try and act like some sort of Beatrix Potter character. It’s manky.”

Loud sneezer Martin Bishop said: “My ear-splitting sneezes are a substitute for my lack of personality. A couple of violent sternutations provide an engaging conversation topic for those around me. They really make the days fly by.

“I will sulk if you don’t say ‘bless you’.”

Who would you vote for: Boris Johnson or Lord Summerisle from The Wicker Man?

LORD Summerisle from The Wicker Man may be a fictional character but would that make him more or less effective than Boris Johnson?

Coming across well on camera
Johnson comes across like a bumbling prick whose fake character has long since worn thin and now just makes Britain look idiotic. Lord Summerisle comes across like a strong willed man whose sacrifice of a middle aged virgin was only for the good of his people.

Meeting Trump
Lord Summerisle would not have looked as much as a twat as Johnson did and that includes being in fancy dress while dancing arm-in-arm with island folk and demanding a better crop next year ‘at any cost‘.

Brexit
Lord Summerisle would at least offer the EU some sacrificial virgins in exchange for a better deal and would gladly burn his enemies is a giant wicker man, instead of threatening them with ‘deselection’ like some ponce.