BEING in tune with your body means you hear and understand its needs. Which, as a man, usually fall into these five categories:
‘I must fulfil my onanistic desires’
Lads, if you’re feeling a twinge down there, a distant cry for stimulation, don’t immediately call NHS 111. Instead have a cautious rummage and check for arousal. If you notice your member becoming tumescent, retreat to the nearest bathroom, fire up incognito mode and start browsing. Your hands will instinctively know what to do next.
‘I’m overdue a Lethal Weapon rewatch’
Neck strained after a long day hunched over a laptop? The One Show leaving you puzzlingly unentertained? Listen closely to your body’s nagging and you will hear that it is in fact crying out to watch a mismatched pair of cops shoot their way through the corruption and vice of Los Angeles. It’s been at least two months, so you’re overdue.
‘My blood alcohol level is dangerously low’
Feeling clear headed with only a realistic level of self confidence is a tell-tale sign that a man is sober. If you’re not slurring and those around you seem less attractive than they should be, your body is telling you to boost your blood alcohol levels with a couple of pints. It’s good for both your physical and mental health, you read something that said so.
‘I desire the sizzle of meat on flames’
Just as women inconveniently have a biological clock ticking away, men have the urge to chase prey with a spear before roasting their kill on burning logs. This may be a sign you should turn your back on civilisation and stalk gazelles on the Mongolian steppes, or try the contemporary substitute for these activities and put sausages under the grill.
‘I could still be a professional footballer’
Regardless of age or fitness level, a man’s muscles still feel like they’ve got what it takes to succeed in the Premier League. Or to become a rockstar in your late 40s, or a superstar DJ, or to join the Fast & Furious franchise. Should these thoughts persist, try playing a Sunday five-a-side to realise how utterly f**king mistaken you are.
