BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.
In addition to feelings of well-being and euphoria for the blowee, the study shows that the blower gets a health boost, reduces their risk of depression, and increases their chance of a cash reward.
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “I noticed that the men who stagger from Hampstead Heath in the early hours of the morning were the happiest and healthiest men in London.
“It’s taken years of research, but I’ve finally proved my ex-girlfriend was wrong and I was right. If only she’d taken her medicine – as prescribed – how happy she’d be.”
Meanwhile women keen not to have their heads nudged groin-wards ‘for their own good’ are frantically searching the internet for that article about how blowjobs give you cancer.
Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “Perhaps I’ve been doing it wrong. Is that even a thing?”
But not all men have welcomed the news. Builder Charlie Reeves said: “For 20 years I’ve been telling miserable, cock-teasing lesbians they could put a smile on their face by sucking my dick.
“It’s quite unsettling to discover I’m some kind of medical idiot savant.”
Meanwhile a new campaign has been launched, clarifying the health benefits apply only to fresh semen so that Holland & Barrett doesn’t ruin everything.
