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Six meals guaranteed to write off any chance of sexual intercourse

WANT to put you or your partner out of action for the night? Here are six foods that will destroy the mood and murder your libido. 

Two baked potatoes followed by treacle sponge 

In theory this carb-rich, sugary meal should give you energy for a Showgirls-style sex session. However you will undo your belt not for sex, but to relieve your straining stomach that feels as if it’s eaten a bag of concrete.

Raw kale, spinach and broccoli salad followed by an apple 

Super-healthy and light, it’s the perfect food for sex afterwards. That’s if it wasn’t for your farts being so powerful your partner is weeping as if they’ve been CS-gassed by the French riot police. 

Family-sized pizza with a gargantuan bottle of coke

You eat it to save time cooking and get straight to the bedroom. But this cheesy beast is the equivalent of a sleeping tablet and you will merely wake up feeling unhealthy after repulsing your partner with horrible coke burps.

Massive Indian takeaway 

Once you start eating curry it’s scientifically impossible to stop, especially if you’ve ordered loads of different tasty things. Once you’re jam-packed with tandoori mixed grill, poppadoms, various saags and some lamb balti it’s probably actually dangerous to have sex.

Carbonara

It’s a romantic night in a cosy Italian restaurant and the scene has been set for a night of seduction. But you choose ‘too much carbonara’. You’re uncomfortably bloated and sex is off the menu, leaving you lying in bed full of delicious creamy pasta regret.

Fried chicken 

Not overly filling if you don’t go for a ridiculous 90-piece bucket, it’s just hard to love your partner anymore after watching them savage a chicken carcass like an animal with warm grease dripping down their chin.

Five things morons are expecting to happen after Brexit

ARE you a Brexiter with mad ideas about life after Brexit, or a ridiculously melodramatic Remainer? Here are some things that won’t be happening.

An economic miracle

Brexiters love this idea, but they HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING ANYTHING to boost the economy, unless there’s some way of monetising millions of whinging old gits moaning about ‘snowflakes’ on their ancient PCs. And of course we’re saddled with Brexit now, which won’t help.

All the crazy pensioner stuff

Do you long for pre-decimal currency? Not going to happen, although it would be hilarious to watch younger Brexiters trying to cope with ‘12 pence in a shilling, a penny is worth four farthings…’. The return of hanging is also unlikely, unless the Tories are polling badly before the 2025 election.

All the foreigners will be teleported away

There’s a big obstacle to returning to a white British monoculture, and it’s called ‘the modern world’. It’s not even clear what a reduction in immigration will achieve. The miserable bus driver you exchange all of eight words with won’t have an Eastern European accent? Result.

We’re going to turn into a fascist state

Persistent paranoid fantasy among some Remainers. Most Brexiters aren’t proper far-right nutters, and they’re never as committed to the cause as they claim to be. They’d probably start doodling some Brexit uniforms then rapidly lose interest and get back to Strictly.

No more EU bullying

Brexiters really need to give this a rest. It’s hard for something to stop when it didn’t exist in the first place. It’s like a nerdy kid at school going, “I’m terrified of Degsy and his mates never flushing my head down the bog and not calling me a ‘bender’.”

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