SOME foods are worth the 15p price difference which separates the delicious from the inedible. Here are the ones whose cheapo version can never match up.
Cereals
From the markup on Rice Krispies you’d be justified in thinking they’re made with powdered gold. However it’s still better to go without than sit at the breakfast table staring confusedly at the unidentifiable cartoon creature on the box of ‘rice-based puffs’. What’s it supposed to be? And why does it appear to be judging you for your decision to eat three bowls in succession?
Tins without ring-pulls
Tins without easy-open lids lure you into thinking you’ve grabbed a bargain. That’s until you can’t find your tin opener, and once you do it’s so rusted and decrepit you’re forced to savage the can with a knife and try not to slash a tendon, all for the meagre reward of some sweaty peach slices.
Salt and vinegar crisps
Some claim that store brand crisps are made in the same factory as the real thing, but bear in mind Dow Chemicals made face creams and napalm. In own-brand crisps the salt and vinegar flavour frequently appears to have been replaced with hydrochloric acid flavour capable of burning a hole through the human tongue. It’s surprising they’re not sold in lead-lined packets.
Ketchup
No matter how much you shake an off-brand bottle of what can only be termed ‘red sauce’, it remains in its separate states of thick pulp and translucent tomato piss which spurts out of the squeezy bottle like something from a porn video, drenching your cheese on toast and sometimes your lap. Don’t allow it to absorb topically or it might give you hives.
Nutella
Purveyors of knock-off Nutella appear to have missed the operative word ‘nut’ and have instead opted to serve up a bland paste which tastes as if it once made eye contact with some chocolate at a party 15 years ago. Other versions go for full-on gritty, because who doesn’t want to have the inside of their mouth thoroughly exfoliated during breakfast?
Coca-Cola
No matter how exorbitant the sugar tax on it gets, it’s difficult to leave the security of branded Coca-Cola for the carbonated mire that is the ‘cola’ aisle. The only similarity between the two is that they’re brown, and the no-brand version has the unusual feature of tasting like it’s already been in someone else’s mouth. Maybe a coincidence, maybe part of the manufacturing process.
