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Jamie Oliver continues campaign against shit food by barricading his own restaurants

CELEBRITY chef Jamie Oliver has struck another blow against low-quality cuisine by barricading the doors of his own restaurants. 

Oliver has used chairs and tables to block the entrances of branches of Jamie’s Italian around the country, saving hundreds of diners from indifferent meals only bought because of their association with a man off the telly.

Oliver said: “I’ve tried asking nicely. Now it’s time for direct action.

“Anyone attempting to eat at one of these faux-authentic establishments – Italian? I’m from bloody Essex, mate – will be greeted with a barrage of stem-ripened cherry tomatoes and told to go and find a restaurant run by actual Italians, not some celebrity cash-in.

“It’s time to prove I’m serious about improving the nation’s cuisine. As of today, finding a decent meal in overpriced urban centres got a little bit easier.”

Oliver has vowed to continue his fight by closing his Islington restaurant Fifteen, admitting that Fanta tastes nice and retraining as a driving instructor.

How to pretend Game of Thrones isn't bollocks

DID you get into Game of Thrones but are reluctantly realising that it’s the same old fantasy bollocks with more torture and tits? Here’s how to pretend it’s deep one last time: 

Frodo never got his knob chopped off
The extensive violence, for example the bit where Lily Allen’s brother got his salami sliced, clearly makes it mature, adult viewing. Never mind that it’s otherwise identical to every other faux-medieval fantasy world, minus elves.

Narrative complexity
Bang on about the political power struggles being based on the War of the Roses. Do not under any circumstances admit this just means ‘there’s loads of characters’ and ‘it goes on for ages’.

The dragons are somehow more grown-up
The dragons are integral to Daenerys Targaryen’s story, not just gold-hoarding, dwarf-munching baddies. Yes, they are giant imaginary lizards that fly and breathe fire, but apart from that there’s no comparison.

There’s no incest in The Hobbit
Game of Thrones kicked off with not one but two incestuous blonde couples, which is way realistic. Tolkien didn’t dare do that, though the population of the Shire does seem kind of small and hobbits have genetic quirks like big hairy feet, so perhaps he was just subtle.

There are no fantasy cliches like dwarves and giants
Alright, there’s one dwarf. And there was that one giant. And there are the zombies – which there haven’t been enough of in popular culture recently – and one dude got brought back to life, and there’s the magical ninja assassin girl and okay. Yeah.

It is wholly unrelated to Dungeons & Dragons
Thrones fans love quality TV drama, not teenage boy obsessions like hot warrior babes, frickin’ awesome dragons, bare breasts and… oh, bollocks. They might as well show them rolling D20s for initiative before every battle.

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