THE only thing scarier than a pub with bikers and broken glass outside is that same pub with a ‘Try our new tasting menu’ sign. Here are some cuisines that will make you want to stick to crisps.
Indian street food
‘Street food’ is defined as something small and portable that you can eat without utensils, which this pub has been serving for years in the form of pickled eggs. Putting a tray of microwaved Asda samosas behind the bar is unlikely to lure new customers, especially when they realise they’ll have to consume them while standing next to a man who goes by the name of Nutter.
Mexican
Despite your dreams of crispy tacos filled with flavourful barbecued lamb, what you’re actually going to get is a plate of Doritos covered in mysterious, boiling hot orange gloop. Essentially it’s an overpriced laxative that will hurt even more when it comes out the other end.
Vegan
The ethics of being ‘cruelty free’ in a pub known for having a creepy aviary full of mangy birds in the garden is questionable, but they’re having a bash at attracting students from the nearby halls. However, the students are only here for the 2-for-1 spirits and will completely ignore the Quorn nuggets in a basket in favour of a quadruple vodka.
Anything fusion
If you’ve heard the bar staff’s take on Brexit, you do not need to taste their take on fusing Greek cuisine with Italian classics. In fact, if you even enquire about the menu they’ll probably tell you to go back to where you come from, despite the fact you went to school with them. The only thing that should be mixed in this pub is the spirits.
Sushi
Any fish – even a bone dry, beer-battered cod – is not to be trusted in an establishment that thinks Fosters is a premium lager. Best avoided, as ordering the California rolls in this place is an even bigger invitation for death than telling the guy next to you that you think his neck tattoo is ‘a bit girly’.
