THE UK’s obese are to launch a groundbreaking legal case against their own sofas, they have confirmed.
Lawyers representing more than 80,000 of the UK’s widest and most sedentary will claim the sofas used physical force to make their owners sit down all day eating fistfuls of crisps.
Personal injury lawyer Julian Cook, who is representing almost 900 tonnes of humanity, said: “My clients wished they could play squash. But the gravity of their leather-effect DFS sofas pulled them back.
“No matter how much they strained against it, they were powerless to escape, chained there by a lethal combination of plushness, This Morning and Iceland’s Nashville Coated Boneless Chicken Box. They deserve compensation.”
Nikki Hollis of Preston went from nine stone to 26 stone in less than a month after inviting a new sofa into her home. She said: “We had some happy times together. Three series of Married At First Sight Australia and chugging two-litre bottles of unbranded cola.
“But it soon turned ugly, to the extent I’m now so large I have to wash my chuff with a tea towel on a curtain rod. I feel it’s only fair I’m given some money.”
However Helen Archer, a lawyer representing a red velvet corner sofa in a counter-suit, said: “My client is guilty of nothing more than offering comfort, security and love. And look at him now. He’s all f**ked up in the middle.”
