A MOTHER is urging her adult daughter, home for Christmas, to fully consume all proffered food while also, long-term, slimming down.
Carolyn Ryan has welcomed daughter Emma, aged 26, into her home by plying her with homemade cakes, bread, stollen and pies while remarking on the terror she must strike into other gymgoers with her elephantine figure.
Carolyn continued: “She needs to eat. I’m her mother. It’s natural to want to nourish her and see she’s relaxed and happy.
“But that’s no excuse for getting fat. She could do jumping jacks while I’m in the kitchen warming mince pies. Ideally she’d gracefully eat the food but allow it to bypass her stomach. It’s selfish and hurtful to me that she doesn’t.
“She should be used to it, with me always telling her she takes too long getting ready then hating her make-up. With me as her harshest and most confusing critic, dealing with the rest of the world will be easy.”
Daughter Emma said: “Mum seems to think I can just turn my internal metabolism on and off instantly like she does with her affection. She doesn’t realise that here I can eat whatever I want and when I get fat it’s her fault.
“Ah, dysfunctional familial relationships. The true meaning of Christmas.”
