subscribe
/ Sign Out

Coffeeshop to cut the bullshit and sell speed cut with laxatives

A CAFÉ is to stop faffing around with coffee and instead offer everyone a bump of speed cut with a powerful laxative.

Jack Browne, who runs the artisanal espresso bar in Brighton, has decided to give up messing about with single-origin beans and small batch roasters and just provide his customers with what they actually want.

Browne said: “I’m sick of pretending. What’s the point going on latte art training courses when all people are looking for is something that will get them through a hungover day at work and clear out the bad kebab from last night by 9.30am?

“From now on I’ll be racking up lines of methamphetamine cut with bisacodyl on the counter, and charge £4 a pop. It will have exactly the same effect and be cheaper than a skinny soy milk mocha, or whatever nonsense I’m usually making. Much less washing up too.”

Customer Lucy Parry said: “I was dubious at first, but it turns out that all coffee did for me was wake me up and expedite my morning shit. I didn’t even really like the taste.

“I know I’m just swapping one addiction for another, but at least speed is less wanky than coarse ground cold brew coffee.”

Colleagues form deepest bonds over how much they want to leave job

WORK colleagues form the most intense bonds over a shared desire to leave their current employment, it has emerged.

A subtle reference to updating a CV is more likely to create an alliance between staff members than the hatred of team building days or getting embarrassingly drunk at the office Christmas party.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The best workplaces are those that unite colleagues in a common goal, and getting the hell away from the company they work for is a huge motivation for the vast majority of workers.

“A core feature of high functioning teams is active listening and respect for each other’s perspectives, both of which really come to the fore while having post-work drinks and bitching about line managers.

“And a terrible CEO acts incredibly well as a unifying hate figure, ensuring that people band together in a gritted-teeth, Blitz spirit kind of way. Workplaces could get a lot out of these people, if only they weren’t actively trying to f**k off as soon as possible.”

Admin assistant Nikki Hollis said: “My team and I have developed very deep relationships and would do anything for each other.

“Well, at least until someone is lucky enough to get a new job and escape. Then we slag the jammy bastard off until we’re blue in the face.”

Next story ›