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A handful of cheddar makes all Italian dishes better: How to piss off a foodie with facts

KNOW an idiot who believes pizza is better with just bland, boring mozzarella? Here are some food facts they need to stop being in denial about. 

A handful of cheddar makes all Italian dishes better

The Italians think they are the greatest cooks in the world but if that’s true, why do none of their recipes ask for the generous handful of cheddar cheese that makes all their dishes nicer? Pizza, spaghetti bolognese, lasagne, risotto: all much tastier with a liberal sprinkling of Cathedral City. 

Truffles taste like feet

Yeah, yeah, we all know truffles are rare and impossible to farm, and can only be found by specially trained pigs or whatever, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep lying to ourselves and pretending they don’t taste vile. Even bang-average high street cafes are selling ‘truffle fries’ now. Please stop this madness and allow us to eat our chips with salt and vinegar, as God intended.

Homemade pastry is never better than shop-bought

It doesn’t matter if you used your great-great-grandmother’s secret recipe and lard from a pig you raised and slaughtered yourself: the sad truth is that pastry made by a robot in a factory will always be more elegant and tasty than the thick, lumpy stuff you produce. Stop being such a snob and give in to the seductiveness of ready-rolled puff. You won’t regret it.

Delia Smith is the best celebrity chef

You can keep Heston Blumenthal, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Anna Jones and the rest: the only celebrity chef we need is Delia. She’ll teach you anything you want, from boiling an egg to making a soufflé, with the no-nonsense attitude of a bossy 1980s home economics teacher. Plus she got pissed and lairy at a football match, which you’d never see that drip Nigel Slater doing.

Correcting someone’s pronunciation of a foreign food always makes you a twat

When discussing food with a friend or acquaintance, it is guaranteed that they will never, ever appreciate you correcting their pronunciation of a foreign name or phrase. While you may feel like a clever and cultured person for interjecting with ‘Actually, it’s pronounced ‘broo-SKEH-tah’, they will hate you for being the enormous wanker that you are.

Findus Crispy Pancakes are the zenith of gastronomic achievement

Foodie bellends will try to convince you that eye-wateringly expensive flash-friend Japanese wagyu steak is the most delicious dish in the world, but they’re wrong. The fact is that a beef mince Findus Crispy Pancake is always going to be 100 per cent more satisfying and tasty. They could even air fry it, if they want to be posh.

Nick Knowles' guide to munters

NICK Knowles of DIY SOS is in trouble for allegedly referring to women from the North East as ‘munters’. But what are they and how valid is his claim? Nick explains.

What is a munter?

An unattractive person, usually a woman. Men often humorously say ‘I’ve shagged some munters in my time’, although if you think about it, that’s a bit of a tragic admission they can’t pull anyone attractive. Needless to say, I have only ever shagged total babes.

Why are you in trouble for using the word?

Apparently describing the entire 1.35 million female population of North East England as dog rough was offensive and not, as I had believed, a hilarious and wholly original joke.

How do you account for local beauties such as Cheryl Tweedy, Donna Air and, at a stretch, Vicky Pattison? 

Not sure. Freaks of nature?

Aren’t you in a rather weak position to call someone a ‘munter’? 

As a 60-year-old bloke who very much looks his age, you’d think so. But like all men, I have the right to judge women on their looks, even ones way out my league. That’s why men have earnest conversations about how we’d shag Margot Robbie but not, say, Emily Blunt, as if this is in any way a real dilemma facing some paunchy blokes in a pub. 

What is the etymology of the term ‘munter’?

Various theories have been proposed, including a corruption of the Scottish term ‘minger’, the Australian slang ‘munted’ meaning inebriated, or the South African racial slur ‘muntu’, but let’s not dwell on that because I’m deep enough in the shit as it is.

Yes. Why did you feel the need to make this demonstrably untrue statement?

I was telling a young lady that she was the only attractive woman I had seen during my trip to the North East, as you do. With the benefit of hindsight I realise I could have made my point without referring to munters, which might have been wise because now it’s all over the Sun and the Mail and I’m engaged. 

To a munter?

No. Luckily my personal attractiveness is higher than it would normally be due to being on a crap DIY programme. Think of it as getting a boost to your character’s ability points in D&D. If it wasn’t for DIY SOS I’d be wanking over Babestation in a grim divorcee’s flat.

Perhaps a factor in the widespread criticism is that ‘munter’ sounds horrible?

Now that you mention it, it does have a certain unpleasant onomatopoeic quality. I wish I’d given it this amount of thought at the time. Then I might have got on with asking Gabrielle where to put a serving hatch instead of attempting to flirt with someone young enough to be my daughter.

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