We ask you: is it pissing down because of climate change or because it's Britain?

TODAY’S heavy rain follows a waterlogged winter that scientists are blaming on climate change. Are they right? 

Carolyn Ryan, pub landlady: “No. Climate change makes it hot. They must be holding their graphs upside down.”

Roy Hobbs, exotic pet salesman: “We’ve always had heavy, relentless rain throughout summer in this country. Now foreign carbon emissions are trying to take credit. Eff off. This rain’s ours.”

Steve Malley, benefits claimant: “Climate change? More like climate same. What do you think of that? I reckon there’s enough in it for me to stand as a Reform UK candidate.”

Martin Bishop, riveter: “Have to admit, with the last week of sunshine, I was worried there’d be nothing to blame massive sewage discharges into rivers on.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “Is it raining? I hadn’t noticed. I’m in the Algarve.”

Countryside noisy as f**k

A COUPLE wanting a peaceful day out away from the noise and hurly-burly of city life have found the countryside to be a clamorous nightmare.

Nikki and Stephen Hollis took a trip to an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty expecting peace and serenity, but instead were faced with an absolute f**king racket.

Nikki Hollis said: “We stepped out of the car thinking we’d take a tranquil stroll, but the first field we came to was full of bellowing cows, and the second had a loudly rumbling tractor ploughing a field, followed by a flock of shrieking seagulls.

“We walked on past a farmyard with several dogs, who all started barking as we approached, which set off a pair of cockerels, and then a man starting shouting at us to ‘piss off out of it’ from inside the house.

“Then we were followed down a lane by local lads booming out techno from a speaker on a screaming quad bike, before we ended up stumbling up the embankment of a busy motorway while electricity pylons buzzed overhead at a pitch that gave us both cracking headaches.

“So all in all, the countryside is a noisy, unwelcoming, terrifying nightmare. Give me a crime-filled urban backstreet any day. Much calmer and safer.”