SCIENTISTS have discovered a giant magnifying glass above the Earth which they think is the main cause of the global warming the planet is experiencing today.
The enormous lens is floating in space some 45 million miles from our planet and is heating up the Earth by focusing the Sun’s rays on its surface.
However, Professor Wayne Hayes, head of astronomy at Glasgow's Clyde University, said the Earth could easily be saved from the devastating effects of further overheating by simply “blowing the fucker up”.
Prof Hayes said: “It may seem incredible that no one has spotted it before, but we only discovered the biggest cocking planet in the Universe earlier this week, so it's no surprise really.
“Anyway, now we know it’s there we can easy smash it to bits with a great big fucking missile and then just get on with our lives as normal, without having to heat our houses with our own farts, or whatever else it is we are supposed to do these days.”
George Monbiot, the leading climate change activist and regular guest blogger with the Daily Mash, said he was “overjoyed” to hear that global warming was nothing to do with the human race or its modern lifestyle, and vowed to scrap his “crappy bike” immediately, and buy himself a new Jaguar and an Aston Martin “straightaway”.
The veteran campaigner said he had celebrated the discovery of this simple technological solution to the planet’s global warming problem by booking two first class return flights to Nice so he could go fly to his cottage in the South of France, instead of having to walk as usual.
He said: “I can’t described how relieved I am to hear this news. I can’t even sit in a taxi these days without someone calling me ‘a fucking hypocrite’. It will be the first time in years I’ve been able to sit on a plane without wearing a false nose, a stick-on beard and a dress.”
Attention in the scientific community has now shifted onto the question of who put the magnifying glass above the earth in the first place. "Early evidence pointed towards Ming the Merciless, the evil ruler of the planet Mongo," said Professor Hayes. "However, it now appears that it was in fact Friends of the Earth. How ironic."
